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Seven Seals

The Seven Seals: When they're broke, we're done.

The Seven Seals: When they’re broke, we’re done.

Many people believe that the End Times have already begun. Their belief is well justified. The evidence is clear. Consider, as just one example, beer commercials. Enough said.

However, the end stage of the End Times is certainly not yet upon us. We know this because God One told us in His sacred copyrighted books that the final blow of the End Times will be heralded by the breaking of the seven seals. That will then result in the destruction of humans 2.x,

As it is written, seven seals will cavort for about three weeks on and around holy ice flows off the coast of Newfoundland. This will occur in the early spring after a brutally harsh winter. It will likely starting on a Friday, but the scriptures aren’t clear on this.

(Note the possible escape clause: Accelerate global warming. This will prevent future harsh winters—and ice flows, for that matter. This, in turn, will forestall the final phase of the End Times,)

The seven seals will be especially wild, yet frightfully cunning. These qualities will allow them to escape even the most noble of Newfoundland seal hunters.

(Note a second possible escape clause: Aggressively train a vast army of seal hunters. Give them the most advanced equipment possible. This will allow them to eradicate all seals—even the most cunning among them. This too will indefinitely forestall the final phase of the End Times,)

At the beginning of the end of the End Times a hallowed lamb shall bound onto the relevant ice flow as it bumps up against land. Once on the ice flow, the lamb shall begin to tame or, as it is written in the Infinitian scriptures, break the seven sacred wild seals, one by one.

The First Four of the Seven Seals

With the breaking of each of the first four seals a wild horse living on Sable Island shall gain superpowers. Using these powers, the four horses and their horsemen, who will be chosen by a lottery or a silent auction, shall fly throughout the world causing great fear among nonbelievers.

The terror shall drive nonbelievers to drink beer, wine and other alcoholic beverages in great abundance. Fear shall also propel them into the arms—not to mention other body parts—of prostitutes, gigolos and unpaid sex partners, where they shall seek solace.

Many believers will also debauch obstreperously just for the hell of it and so they can show off their vocabulary.

Exceptionally enticing Happy Hour offers created by God One will further encourage people to binge-drink during this phase.

God One will encourage people to get behind the wheel and drive during this phase to increase drunk-driving deaths.

The Fifth Seal

Over the course of Infinitian history, many believers have been killed by nonbelievers, persecuted by nonbelievers, or persecuted then killed by nonbelievers for having, through the use of telemarketing and spam, heartily promoting God One and the infinite number of other Gods. When the hallowed lamb breaks the fifth sacred seal every soul in God One’s heaven who had been maltreated in this way will curse God One for allowing such misery to have invaded their mortal lives.

In addition, after the breaking of the fifth seal, all those souls in God One’s heaven who, during their mortal lives, regularly suffered from the over-starching of their shirt collars by dry cleaners will likewise curse God One for the pain He inflicted upon them during their time on Earth.

As punishment for this impudence that He Himself had induced by testing them cruelly during their lives, God One will kill the complainers’ previously immortal souls, thereby freeing some much-needed space in God One’s heaven.

The Sixth Seal

After the breaking of the sixth seal the earth shall move a great many times for much of the world’s population, but only figuratively. Even the most shy, ugly, nerdy and/or fat among us shall get lucky often, without pausing to take prudent prophylactic precautions. This shall cause the rapid spread of horrific venereal diseases across and up and down the land. (The scriptures are not definitive as to whether they will also spread diagonally across the land. Spiraling patterns are additional possibilities.)

The Seventh Seal

When the blessed lamb breaks the seventh of the seven seals the end shall be nigh for the current version of humans. Seven angels shall appear on earth. They shall travel around the world forcing mass quantities of alcohol on all humans still alive. Due to mistakes caused by extreme farsightedness, they will also try forcing alcohol on corpses, but that will not play a material part in the End Times

When the alcohol lowers people’s inhibitions, the angels shall have their way with the imbibers, even the otherwise celibate ones, intentionally sexually infecting the remaining humans with deadly viruses and bacteria. If the gallons of alcohol don’t poison them first, the viruses and bacteria will finish them off.

And so will end our human 2.x species, thereby making way for the introduction of humans 3.0 in God One’s grand scheme of Created Evolution.

When Will The Seven Seals be Broken?

How far off is the end stage of the End Times as will be signaled by the breaking of the seven wild seals? The sacred texts are ambiguous on this point. Thus, we should forgive holy people who use their intensive and extensive study of the bible to predict a precise date for the start of the end of the End Times, only to later be forced to revise that date upon the revelation of new information, such as the passing of the first date without anything untoward happening. Their confusion is understandable considering the vagueness of the scriptures.

It is reasonable, however, to believe that the end is not now nigh, not by a long shot. It is absurdly difficult to convince a lamb to go out onto an ice flow. Furthermore, no lambs have, as of yet, shown the slightest ability or inclination to tame marine mammals. Thus, it is likely to be quite some time before the breaking of the first seal, let alone all seven.

Pray, do tell ...