Pedro Pasqualor, a early-Renaissance merchant of polished pebbles, lived in the small village of Ateo, Spain1. In 1409, he decided to try his luck in a new profession. Pedro undertook the rigorous thirty-minute mandatory course of study and paid the outrageously rapacious fee to become a Sage of the Church of Infinitiaty. As was the custom, the then took on a new name, Sage Jesus. (In his case, it is pronounced hey-Zeus, not jeez-us.)
Jesus, née Pedro, Discovers Zeus
Pedro’s choice of the name Jesus was not serendipitous. For one, he wanted to follow devoutly the time-honoured rule of Infinitian proselytizing: Whatever works. He figured he could sucker draw in Christians with the name Jesus and then slowly brainwash convert them to Infinitiaty.
But there was another reason. He had an epiphany2 during those 30 minutes when he was studying the philosophy, history, scriptures and strictures of Infinitiaty. He became convinced that God Three (The Creator of God Two, who, in turn, created our Creator, God One) had another role in our world. Sage Jesus believe that, during some of his lengthy visits to God One’s universe, God Three was Zeus, the über-God revered by ancient Greeks.
(Note: That’s “über,” as in a supreme example of a particular kind of person or thing, not “Uber” as in the laissez-faire car service.)
People who aren’t aware of this part of Sage Jesus’ history assume he pronounced his name hey-Zeus because he was Spanish. That was part of it, but picked his sage-name specifically because that was how it was pronounced in his home country of Spain. He wanted to show proper reverence for Zeus.
Jesus Shapes a Society
Jesus was upset that people had forsaken Zeus, even in the country where Zeus hung out when he visited God One’s Earth, Greece. Despite the fact that Zeus hadn’t visited God One’s universe for a few hundred years, Jesus thought that people should still worship, praise and pray to Him.
After all, God Three still existed. He had simply been off having some fun in some of the other God’s universes—universes that were much more interesting and enjoyable than the universe that God One has fashioned for us. (It’s not known if God Three has his own universe. If so, he might also spend time tending to it.)
To correct this injustice, Jesus formed a society that he egotistically named The Society of Jesus. He recruited all of his followers—all nine of them—to join the society. They piously promoted the purpose of the society, namely to instill a love of Zeus (aka God Three) in the populace. Members of the society carried the message of Zeus far and wide, particularly to places that had really good pubs.
After Jesus’ death, members of the society voted unanimously to change its name to simply the Jesuits. There were two reasons for this. One, they thought Jesus was being too arrogant when he incorporated his name into the society’s name. And, two, they were all incredibly lazy and couldn’t be bothered to say the full name every time.
Considering how abjectly they failed in fostering and keeping alive the love of God Three in his incarnation as Zeus, it’s amazing that the Jesuits still exist today. But they do. However, they are now relegated primarily to running the Church of Infinitiaty’s for-profit schools and bingo halls. So, next time you play bingo, say a prayer to Zeus. It’s the holy thing to do.
- Atea continued to be a thriving market village until 1897, when the townsfolk unanimously voted to turn it into a cesspool.
- The Church of Infinitiaty normally charges extra for epiphanies. Pedro got the fee waived by agreeing to perform at least five years of brutal slavery for the Church.