After creating universes through Big Bangs, the responsible Gods are expected to waste little time before starting to create some order out of the uniformly unordered matter in their new universes. If a God wants to appear cool and nonchalant He or She might pause to have a smoke and to spend a few seconds promising to respect and call His or Her Big Bang partner in the morning, but that’s usually it. The Gods typically then get right to work on forming some interesting bits in Their new universes.
There are no laws that stipulate what the Gods must put in Their universes. In fact, if They want to, They can leave them the dull, relatively uniform spread of matter they were when they were exploded into existence by Big Bangs. Nevertheless, most Gods take extraordinary pride in putting life somewhere in Their universes because it is so difficult to create life exactly right. In fact, God One, our Creator, frequently gets it wrong, which is why He needed to come up with His strategy of Created Evolution so He could fix His glaring errors.
The general blueprint for creating life, which is common knowledge among the Gods, is the following:
- Create a large energy source.
- Create a life-supporting containment vessel for the life forms You will create. (Together, the vessel and energy source is called a solar system.)
- Place the vessel far enough from the energy source such that Your life forms won’t be incinerated or fatally irradiated, but close enough such that they will be able to harness its energy through natural processes, manmade and/or womanmade processes, or a combination of natural and manmade and/or womanmade processes.
- Create life forms and place them inside the containment vessel. (Any surrounding atmosphere is considered to be part of the vessel.)
- Command your life forms to be fruitful and multiply.
- Sit back and let life flourish.
While the broad-brush picture of how to do this is intuitively understood by all Gods, the details as to how to go about it are not written down anywhere. Worse, they are quite obscure. And, as you might imagine, those details are astronomically complex and difficult to execute.
When working with their first universes, the wise Gods go to Their Creator God or one of the earlier Gods in the infinite God-creation chain and seek advice about the best way to create life. By doing so, they hope to learn from the successes and failures of the Gods who are already experienced in these matters. Yet this was not the route that God One, our Creator, followed. He was not one of the wise Gods.
Whether through arrogance, stupidity or an unwillingness to admit His ignorance, God One decided to figure out on his own how to create life. That was a mistake, a big mistake.
Because She was God One’s Creator, God Two has generally felt somewhat protective of God One, particularly because She has always thought that She didn’t create Him quite as well as She could have. Consequently, when She saw that God One was about to start His first life-creation exercise, God Two, with all the best of intentions, asked God One how he was going to go about it.
God One’s Solar System Plan
Upset due to what He saw as a lack of trust in His abilities, God One haughtily replied, “Why do you refuse to recognize that I’m a fully grown up God now. I’m perfectly capable of creating life on My own, thank you very much! But since you asked, it’s simple.
“I’m going to collect a massive amount of the simplest element I can find—an element with just one proton and one electron, I call it the Simple Element1—and scrunch it all together as tightly as I can. Then I’ll light it on fire. Boom! There’s my energy source.
“Next, I’ll take a whole bunch of more complex elements, press them into a ball, splash a dash of water on it, throw some breathable gas around it, create some life on the surface of it and, Bob’s your deity, I’m done. I’ll call the energy source and ball a “solar system” because it sounds cool.”
God Two chuckled. She couldn’t be believe that God One, Her creation, could be so stupid as to think he made that name up Himself. Gods have been calling that arrangement a solar system for eons. God One must have heard the term solar system, but then forgot and thought he originated it.
“Now, don’t get Me wrong,” God One continued. “I really do appreciate that You created Me, but will You please stop babying me and let Me get to it?”
Seeing how sensitive He was about it, God Two was reluctant to comment on God One’s plans, but She screwed up Her courage and said in the passively condescending manner She that is her usual style, “Great plan! Although, you know that if you compress the Simple Elements enough, you won’t have to light it on fire. It will heat up and ignite on its own.
“And, when you’re creating that ball of more complex elements, be careful not to compress the ball too much. Otherwise, it will melt and you’ll be stuck with a giant molten ball. If that happens, you’ll have to wait for the surface to cool down and solidify before you can put life on it, otherwise the life forms will fry to death.
“And even after waiting for the surface to cool and solidify, the molten core is going to lead to a whole mess of problems. You’ll have large bodies of solidified land floating on a molten core and carried by huge convection currents. That would be fine if there were only one convection current, but there won’t be. A few conflicting convection currents will form. Thanks to those currents, the landmasses will float around and bash into each other, grind up against each other, slip one under another and cause no end of trouble for Your creations.
“And if that’s not bad enough, if any fissures form in the solidified crust—and they will—some of the molten core will burst forth through the fissures. That’s going to be a tad inconvenient, not to mention deadly, for any of Your living creations who happen to be nearby at the time.”
God One thought that God Two, despite being only a single God removed in the infinite chain of deity Creators, was a doddering old fool. Thus, He paid Her no heed. Another mistake.
God Two Knows Best
God One should have listened to God two. She was right. He could have saved himself a lot of effort and saved his creations from a lot of disasters if he had asked for and followed her advice.
One thing that He was glad God Two was right about was that massively-compressed-ball-of-Simple-Elements-spontaneously-combusting thing. He tends to be quite absent-minded. He couldn’t remember where he left his lighter. If it hadn’t been for self-combustion our sun would not have been lit. And then where would we be? Without an energy source, that’s where.
God One also had problems when it came to creating what He calls the Big Balls of Complex Elements2 that his creations would live on. He created one that was so close to the sun that it would have fried any inhabitants on the ball.
He surrounded another one with too much heat-trapping gas, so it too got too hot for a decent life even with the air conditioning running at full blast.
Some of the balls were too far from the energy source to sustain life.
One was all gas. Creations there constantly thought everyone was farting all the time and they all died of embarrassment.
Failed Life Habitats
Some of God One’s early attempts at creating somewhere for his living creations to inhabit were too small to support a decent sized population of a wide variety of creations along with chains of fast food restaurants needed to feed them. God One calls these Small Balls of Complex Elements3.
And sometimes, in His carelessness, He just flings streams of junk around. He calls these Massive Flying Dust Bunnies4.
Eventually He created what both we and He call Earth. And He looked upon Earth and saw that it was good, or at least adequate. So He created life on Earth after the surface cooled enough to support that life. All this and more happened in just six days.
Can you believe it? Just six days! A whole solar system and a bunch of life upon it. Of course, those were God days, which are a hell of a lot longer than Earth days.
It is interesting to note that, were it not for the failed attempts at creating a place for us to live, our solar system would contain only one Big Ball of Complex Elements. In fact, that same sort of ineptitude explains why there are billions of stars in the sky. All, or at least most of them, are failed attempts at creating life-supporting energy sources and Big Balls of Complex Matter.
Are We Alone in the Universe?
This brings up another question. Our telescopes tell us that ours isn’t the only solar system. So, are we alone in the universe? Or did God One create life on other planets in other solar systems. If so, is it intelligent life? If so, is it truly intelligent life unlike the crap that passes for intelligent life here?
We don’t know the answer to that question. God One isn’t saying and Infinitian scholars are divided on the question. Some say we have to be alone because after God One proved to his deity peers that He could create life, why would He bother doing it again?
Others say that just as God One uses Created Evolution to fix his living creature mistakes here on Earth, He also has other life test beds where he experiments with new ideas for strange life forms before recreating them here on Earth. Then again, maybe we are the test bed for other life-bearing Big Balls of Complex Matter. Considering how screwed up we are, that sounds likely. But we don’t know.