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The 12 Guidelines

Being a sensible deity, God One went with 12 Guidelines rather than 10 Commandments.

Being a sensible deity, God One went with 12 Guidelines rather than 10 Commandments.

Until 1937, Infinitiaty was a very laissez-faire sort of religion. There weren’t many God One-given (or any other God-given) instructions about how God One’s creations were to act. Everyone simply agreed among themselves about how they should interact without getting on each other’s nerves or negatively impacting each other’s lives too much.

This arrangement worked quite well and saved God One the aggravation of trying to come up with a set of edicts to hand down to his creations. Unfortunately, God One was getting a lot of ribbing from a number of the higher-level Gods about this. God One was prone to bending in the face of peer pressure. Consequently, he consulted Gods 2, 12, 42, 539 and 9347 about what he should do.

To a God, They all agreed that rules would help to show God One’s creations Who’s boss. Despite being skeptical of the need to fool around with a world that seemed to be working reasonably well, God One wrote down a set of 10 instructions on the back of two envelopes, which was all He had available at the time. God Two, who thought that a dozen would be a better number, added two more instructions to the list.

12 Guidelines Beat 10 Commandments

All of the other Gods recommended that God One refer to them as The 12 Commandments, but God One thought that this would be pushing things as he had incorporated far too many loopholes for them to be truly commandments, so he called them The 12 Guidelines.

On December 18, 1937, Sage Bert, who was Chief Sage Officer of Infinitiaty at the time, was sitting alone in a booth in a dark corner of his favorite pub chugging some local ale, as was his custom. When he was halfway through his third pint and already dribbling on his shirtfront, God One sent Angel Rachel to sit opposite Sage Bert in the booth.

Angel Rachel, a stripper from a strip joint across the street who God One temporarily deputized as an angel, said onto Sage Bert, “God One, that booming disembodied voice that keeps harassing me, asked me to give you these. He told me that it is His will that you follow these guidelines whenever it is convenient.” With those words, Angel Rachel handed Sage Bert the two envelopes on which God One had inscribed His 12 Guidelines.

The following are certified true photocopies of the backs of those two envelopes and the 12 Guidelines inscribed thereon:

  1. Thou shalt not worship other Gods before Me. After you’ve finished worshipping Me, you are free to worship any of the other of the infinity of Gods in chronological order.
  2. Thou shalt not make for yourselves an idol. Exceptions are granted if you make a particularly valuable idol, sell it, and donate the proceeds to the Church of Infinitiaty. You are also allowed to make entertainment programs called American Idol, or any other country’s idol, provided the advertising revenue is directed to the church.
  3. Thou shalt not take My name in vain. The names of Gods Two through Infinity are fair game. And My name can be taken in vain if it will help to raise money for the church.
  4. Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.You’re on your own when it comes to figuring out which day is the Sabbath, but I’ll punish you severely if you get it wrong. The same goes for figuring out what “keeping it holy” means. Just one hint: I always smile down on people who raise money for My one true church.If you forget the Sabbath, ask your neighbor what day it is. And cut down on your drinking. It’s obviously messing up your brain.
  5. Honor thy father and thy mother.Unless you really don’t like them or they have not accepted the Church of Infinitiaty.
  6. Thou shall not kill. Except in the following circumstances:
    • In self-defense.
    • If ordered to by your country during a time of war, insurrection, peacemaking, or peacekeeping.
    • If you are a government-employed or freelance executioner.
    • If necessary to defend the cash flow of the faith.
  7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. Unless it’s with a really hot guy or gal, depending on your sex and sexual orientation. And only if his or her spouse is definitely out of town. Exceptions, whether as adulterer or adulteree, are are always granted to the clergy and senior officials of the Church of Infinitiaty, as they deserve their perks.
  8. Thou shalt not steal.Unless you donate the proceeds of the theft to the church. In addition, if you steal something you really, really want and you give a sizable donation to the church as penance, I might let you off if I’m having a good day.
  9. Thou shalt not give false testimony against your neighbor.Anyone two doors or more down is on his or her own. And if you’re doing it to protect the church it’s OK to lie about your neighbor too.If you can figure out how to trick people into believing something that’s patently false, but you manage to not lie in the process, you’re off the hook.
  10. Thou shalt not covet.Unless you see someone who has some really cool stuff or a really hot spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend as the case may be.If you don’t know what covet means, look it up yourself. Do I look like your servant?
  11. Thou shalt not be a royal pain in the ass.Unless you’re a total air-head and have no idea that you are pissing people off, if you’re acting in the name of the church, or both.
  12. Thou shalt not use the word kumquat in mixed company.There are no exceptions to this one, but it is, after all, just a guideline. Use your own best judgment.

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