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Book of Heaven




The Book of Heaven, one of the books of Infinitiaty’s holy bible or, more accurately, Holy Bible, which is not to be confused with the unholy bibles of other “religions,”1 was transcribed by an Infinitian Sage, Sage Shlemazel, from words spoken directly to him by God One close to six thousand years ago.

Sage Shlemazel changed not a word that God One said unto to him except to correct God One’s grammar, which required changing and/or rearranging about half of the words. Fortunately, because God One spoke to him rather than handing him written notes, Sage Shlemazel didn’t have to correct God One’s spelling. Otherwise, the exercise would have required far more than Sage Shlemazel’s natural lifetime and at least half of his unnatural lifetime2. God One’s spelling is reputed to be atrocious.

There has been much debate over the years as to why God One dictated the Book of Heaven to Sage Shlemazel rather than committing it to parchment or stone himself. It has been suggested that God One did not write the words Himself because He, quite justifiably as has been noted above, lacked confidence in His writing abilities and, therefore, He commissioned Sage Shlemazel as His editor.

However, anyone who has ever expressed that opinion has died shortly after having said it, so I report the words spoken by others only for the historical record. I do not openly subscribe to that belief myself. Did you hear that, God One, You Who Art So Great and Glorious? I do not promote that belief. Perish the thought! Please don’t cause me to perish, oh Truly Great One.

Despite Sage Shlemazel’s decades of dedicated hard work transcribing and editing God One’s words, The Book of Heaven has been inaccessible to most Infinitians for the better part of six millennia. The better part was 13 minutes 4,242 years ago when, by some cosmic coincidence, there were no wars, famines, plagues, earthquakes hurricanes, tornadoes, fires or floods; and most people managed to get lucky with the member of the sex of their choice. The Book of Heaven was also inaccessible for the worse part of those almost six millennia, which, obviously, was almost all of them.

The reason for the inaccessibility was that, unfortunately, due to longstanding budget constraints at the Church, constraints that were instituted purely to maintain profit levels that are acceptable to God One, this Holy Book has only recently been translated into English and other modern languages from the original Gibberish. The sad fact is that, no volunteer translators had been willing to devote their lives to that task until now.

(In truth, as it turned out, the work could not be done on an entirely voluntary basis. Promises had to be made to convince people to do the work. Upon completion of their efforts, the translators were each given a chocolate bar and up to ten dates (wink, wink; nudge, nudge; say no more, say no more) with any of the Sisters of Infinitiaty, or any of the Brothers of Infinitiaty if that better suited his or her sex and sexual orientation. Some say the translators did it strictly for the Glory of God One and the chocolate bars, but I suspect that the promise of hot dates with the Sisters and/or Brothers had much more to do with it.)

Regrettably, the translators have inadvertently, through carelessness or ignorance, reintroduced some of the grammatical errors that Sage Shlemazel had corrected. And they introduced a few of their own. Like they say, you get what you pay for.

Unique. Possibly.

Infinitiaty is among just a handful of “religions” that have a complete book of their bible dedicated solely to a description of their “god’s” “heaven,” the activities that go on there, and the entry requirements. I say ‘a handful of “religions”‘ only because I am unaware of any others and I can’t be bothered to do the research necessary to determine if there are any others. For all I know, Infinitiaty may be unique in this regard. “A handful” is merely a weasel figure of speech intended to keep me within the bounds of veracity if there are others. “One” would generally be considered to fit within a hand, and zero definitely could.

By providing the Book of Heaven solely to His beloved Infinitians, and not to the heathens—and, by “heathens,” I mean anyone practicing any other “religion” or none at all—God One proves how much He loves us or, at least, He doesn’t entirely hate us as much He hates nonbelievers.

The book provides us with an advantage. When we die, God One looks at our lives and decides whether to offer us spots in His Heaven. The Book of Heaven provides us with the information we need to live our lives in a way that will place us on the right side of that ledger, if we so choose.

Heaven(s): It’s Up to You

However, we do not have to accept God One’s offer of a place in His Heaven. We can also apply for entry into any of the other infinite number of Gods’ heavens as well. Moreover, despite the fact that He created us, God One’s Heaven doesn’t have to be our first choice. In fact, we can shun it altogether.

By using the Book of Heaven to learn what life—or, more accurate, death—will be like in God One’s Heaven, we will be in a better position to decide if we want to go there.

Unfortunately, this only slightly improves our chances of selecting the best possible afterlife. None of the other Gods have produced an equivalent book for their Heavens. That is to say, if They have, They haven’t made it available to creatures in God One’s universe.

We have a bit of information about a few of the other Gods’ Heavens, and we can infer a little more from what little we know about the characters of the Gods who created them, but none of that amounts to much.

You do get a Heaven catalog when you die, but all we know about that catalog is that the blurbs about each Heaven are maddeningly brief. What’s more, the descriptions are submitted by inhabitants who may provide less-than-genuine excellent reviews if the Heaven’s owner pays generous referral fees or bad reviews if the reviewers want to keep the riffraff out of the heaven they’ve chosen.

Because of the dearth of information, if you decide that God One’s Heaven is not right for you, there is no guarantee that the one you choose will be any better. In the end—and I do mean the end—it all comes down to a crap shoot. Nonetheless, thanks to The Book of Heaven, at least you will know if God One’s Heaven is appealing to you. If not, you are free to make a somewhat more informed decision about whether to take your chances with one of the other Gods’ Heavens.

The Almost Literal Words of God

Because it is one of our Holy Books and it contains the edited almost literal words of God One, the Book of Heaven is not to be doubted or questioned. The wrath of God One will be upon you if you do. Or, when God One is on vacation, God Two, God One’s Creator, has agreed to step in as judge, jury, and executioner should the sin of doubting or questioning the Book of Heaven be committed in His absence.

And let it be known by all that if you are convicted of and executed for this crime by either God One or God Two you will have to convince another God to let you into His or Her Heaven. There will be no entry into the Heavens of Gods One or Two for you.

Just as an aside, I should note that as you read the Book of Heaven you will notice that, despite these being the grammatically edited almost literal words of God One, God One almost exclusively speaks of himself in the third person—”God One sayeth …” or “He looked upon His creations and …” The only exceptions are when He quotes Himself, such as, to use a generic example, “He said onto is people, ‘I am the Lord, your God One …’ ” Why is that? Infinitian scholars tell us that this confirms what they have long suspected about God One. Namely, He suffers from an eternal identity crisis.

A word of warning: When you are praying to God One, don’t mention his identity crisis. He’s very sensitive about it.

You will also no doubt notice that God One composed the Book of Heaven in a much more informal, some would even say breezy, style than the other Books of the Bible. There is considerable debate about this. Some say He did it to put readers’ minds at ease as they face the terminal, yet eternal abyss. Others say that His casual style resulted from the fact that He was making it up as He went along. Still others claim that the informal style proves that God One wasn’t the author at all, but the book is, rather, a fraud. (If insurance companies are wise, those doubters will not be able to buy life insurance policies for less than the face value of the policy.) We’ll probably never know for certain which, if any, of these hypotheses is true.

Click here to begin reading Chapter One of the Book of Heaven.

[name withheld for tax and legal reasons]

Chief Ideology Officer
Church of Infinitiaty

1 If we are being honest, we should refer to other “religions” as “cults” or, more commonly, “nonsense,” but that tends to upset some people we want to convert so, instead, we settle for putting “religion” in quotes.>

2 We speak of Sage Schlemazel’s natural and unnatural lives because he was frequently accused of committing unnatural acts. That has never been proven in a court of law, but it is rarely doubted. God One is said to have overlooked Sage Schlemazel’s behavior because He couldn’t find anyone else willing to translate His Book of Heaven for little more than a promise of a reduced rate for entry into God One’s Heaven.

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