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Book of Heaven: Chapter 1

In the Beginning

When God One created humans 2.x He gave them mortal bodies, but immortal souls. The promise of an immortal soul could be rescinded at any time without notice—He is a god, after all; He decides what is ethical and what is not, and damn everyone else—but God One intended to honor it until He replaced humans 2.x with humans 3.0 after the End Times.

Souls with indefinite runs created problems that God One had not foreseen, despite being great and glorious. When His first version 2.0 humans, Adam, Eve, Bob, Carol, Ted and Alice, died, their souls lived on, as they were designed to do in God One’s Great Accidental Plan.

At this point, God One, glory be to He, He being truly great, had not yet created anywhere for the souls of the dead to go. To fill their endless days, the not-quite-dead, but not-exactly-living souls floated far and wide, haunting entirely-living people.

Souls Torment the Living

The souls often played practical jokes on the living. For example, they intentionally would not answer when mediums tried to contact them at seances. And they wouldn’t interject when charlatans pretended to be communicating with them. Another favorite prank was stealing and hiding individual socks so people would be left with a lot of unmatched hosiery.

The souls also played frequent games of hide and seek with the living. The souls always won. This was primarily due to two enormous, unfair advantages. First, the living had no idea that a game was in progress, which was a tremendous boon for the souls when it was their turn to seek. And, second, the souls were invisible to the living, which gave the souls an insurmountable advantage when it was their time to hide.

Heaven: A social project to keep souls off the street.

Heaven: A social project to keep souls off the street.

God One looked upon the souls’ actions and saw that they were not good; not good at all, for God One considers practical jokes to be sins of the second order, there being seventeen orders of sin, with the first order being the worst. In addition, interfering with the living in this way was freaking them out, thereby stifling their performance as they tried to fulfill their obligation to God One to be fruitful and multiply.

This angered God One for two reasons. First, if the current batch of humans did not reproduce in sufficient numbers they might die off before He was ready to replace them with humans 3.0. This gap would have thwarted His Great Accidental Plan to plant evidence that made it appear as if evolution was natural rather than created. And, second, He really, really, really liked to watch people being fruitful and multiplying, particularly the naked humping part.

As much as it angered God One to look upon the wicked ways of souls, He couldn’t blame them. After all, He had given them nowhere else to go and nothing else to do.

God One Alters his Great Accidental Plan

As it happens, this problem wouldn’t have arisen if God One had stuck to his original Great Accidental Plan. He intended humans 2.0 to be corporeally immortal, rather than just spiritually immortal. Then, they wouldn’t have to engage in sex, as there would be no need to multiply. As much as He liked to watch, God One was the original Puritan and He was ashamed of his addiction to voyeurism. His shame didn’t stop Him from peeping in on His peoples, but he felt guilty about it nonetheless.

But then Eve ate of the apple, the apple that God One specifically said He was saving for a special apple pie. Adam, Eve, Bob, Carol, Ted and Alice were all told of the pie by God One himself, but Eve, who was seduced by a serpent—and not one of the metaphorical kind attached to Adam’s, Bob’s or Ted’s body—chose to ignore His command to not eat the apple.

To add insult to injury, the apple turned out to be the fruit of knowledge. In truth, God One didn’t realize this at the time. He thought that it was an ordinary apple. But the fruit’s magical knowledge-giving powers made matters worse. God One had intended that humans 2.x should remain at least as stupid as He was. This element of His Great Accidental Plan was now destroyed.

Souls Happen

As punishment for Eve’s original sin, God One stripped humans of their corporeal immortality. But, because He feared being criticized for meting out too harsh a punishment for the sin of eating an apple, He left them their immortal souls. Consequently, he was stuck with the problem of what to do with those souls when they cluttered up the earth and harassed the still fully living.

God One, blessed be He, wasn’t sure how to deal with this situation, but He had heard rumors suggesting that other Gods had created something called heavens to accommodate their creations’ residual souls. He didn’t have much information about those heavens, but, based on what little He had heard, He thought that a heaven would solve His human-afterlife problems.

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