End Times—Heaven Edition
And I shalt dictate the tenth and final chapter of My Book of Heaven mostly in the first person for I feel that it reads better that way and makes Me sound more godly. And, being the last chapter, which covers the Heaven End Times, I won’t get another chance to sound godly until I wrote another Book, something I vow not to do until I shalt find a publisher willing to pay Me a large advance.
So it has been written and so it shalt be done that to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. Turn, turn, turn. And I have seen the future and I have seen that the future shalt not be good for I foresaw that a musical group shalt rip those words off and I shalt be godly pissed off that I shalt never receive a penny of royalties for that song.
Never mind. They’ll get theirs. Believe you me.
The point is, the same shalt be true of every purpose in Heaven as well as under the heaven. They—the purposes in heaven, not the souls in heaven, but them too—shalt have their season and when that season shalt be done, well, that shalt be it. Period. Finis. End of story. Hasta la vista, baby. The Heaven End Times shall be upon you.
As I have written in previous sacred texts, whensoever I perfect humans 3.0, which shalt be next phase of Created Evolution, I shalt initiate the End Times to make room for the 3.0 model. Those End Times shalt be executed in My Heaven as they are on Earth so I can also make room for the 3.0 souls in Heaven after their death as I shalt make room for their bodies on Earth. However, because humans 3.0 shalt be longer-lasting than the current human species, the 2.x model, that space shalt not be needed right away. Hence, I shalt not commence the Heaven End Times until 130 years after I initiate it on Earth.
Heaven End Times: The 130-Year Reprieve
Thus, for 130 years, the souls of 2.x humans shalt look down upon the 3.0 models and see that they are good. Really good. Damned good.
I shalt fix the mistakes I made in 2.x humans. There shalt be far less disease. The body parts in 2.x humans that were poorly designed or poorly placed shalt have their designs and placements improved in the 3.0 models. The 3.0 brains shalt know hate far less frequently. The 3.0 model humans shalt enjoy a good meal even more. And sex shalt truly be even better, if you can imagine that.
And the souls of the 2.x humans shalt look down upon all of this goodness and become jealous of the new models. And they shalt complain loudly unto me about how I didst such a lousy job in designing them. Do I need that? Really? Maybe I better rethink my plan to defer Heaven’s End Times until 130 years after I initiate the End Times on Earth. I’ll get back to you.
But I digress.
Nothing lasts forever, including the afterlife
The point is, thy life—or, rather, thy death—in Heaven shalt not last forever. Sorry about that. It can’t be helped. Enjoy it while you can.
Think of it not as the end of your days in Heaven, but rather as a way of freeing you from an eternity of tedium. I know it’s hard to imagine now, but thou shalt thank me for it. Trust me. Have I ever steered thee wrong before? Wait. Don’t answer that. It was a rhetorical question.
If thou art like most people, thou shalt likely not believe Me when I say onto you that Heaven shalt have an end. Then again, thou might be right about that for it is taking me much longer than I thought to develop humans 3.0. I thought I’d be finished centuries ago. It is not as easy as I thought. I’m way behind schedule and way over budget. I probably won’t be in a position to launch humans 3.0 for at least another few millennia. Maybe more. Maybe much more. Then again, thou art likely reading this a few millennia after I wrote it, so, prepare thyself. The End is nigh. Maybe. One day. Or another.
Again, sorry about that. But, buck up. I am God One, thy Lord. What could possibly go wrong?