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Book of Heaven: Chapter 2

A Heavenly Place for Souls

Verily, God One said onto His human 2.x creations, “I shall create for thee a heavenly heaven that your souls may frolic in after you die. Your souls shall be together in this heaven as your bodies were in life on Earth. That having been said and that having been done, a man going into a women, and any other acts of sexual pleasure, whether they be homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual, auto-sexual or a combination thereof within the context of an orgy, shall be more difficult and less heavenly in Heaven than on Earth due to the lack of a physical body, but thou shalt figure it out.”

His creations looked up to the sky in the general direction of the booming, disembodied voice that had spoken upon them. And the bravest among them said in a perplexed manner, “That’s really great. Perfectly super. I think I can speak for all of us when I say we really, really appreciate it and all, but who the hell are you and why should we listen to a word you say?”

The perplexity revealed by the speaker’s voice reminded God One about a matter of divine importance. He had not yet revealed His existence, or the existence of the other Gods, to humans. He intended to keep that revelation from His people until a later stage of His Great Accidental Plan. (Although, in His supreme absent-mindedness, He had spoken to Adam, Eve, Bob, Carol, Ted and Alice, but they were all dead now and their descendants never believed their stories of an omnipotent, invisible being.)

Remembering all this, God One spoke unto His people, this time in a less booming, somewhat sheepish voice, saying, “Forget I ever said anything. Never mind. Nothing to see here. Move along. Move along.” To cover His tracks, so to speak, God One attributed those latter words to devout police officers.

After cleverly avoiding that crisis, He began to contemplate what His heaven should look like and how He should go about creating it such that it would be, well, heavenly.

Heavenly Blueprints

Heavenly Blueprints

Heavenly Design

This presented Him with great trials and tribulations. For a start, how would someone—even an omniscient, omnipotent being—go about creating a space to contain immaterial bodies? The mind, even an infinite mind, boggles at such a prospect.

And what would one need to put in that heaven to keep its residents endlessly occupied so that they wouldn’t get bored during their stay, which could last an eternity or until God One feels the need or desire to wipe out their otherwise immortal souls? Should there be bowling alleys? Movie theaters? Bingo halls? Bars? Casinos? Strip joints? Brothels? And what else?

And where would you put such a heaven?

In the center of the earth? No, it became far too hot there after God One had foolishly stored His molten rock collection down there for safekeeping. The air conditioning costs of a center-of-the-earth heaven would have crippled God One’s treasury.

Up in the skies so the souls could look down on their former homes? That sounded like a better prospect, but would the souls, upon looking down at Earth, get homesick and long to rejoin to their now rotting bodies?

And how would one create a heaven without substance for immaterial souls? What would define the boundaries of such an etherial space? And should those boundaries be guarded to keep out the souls not destined for heaven? And, if so, who would do the guarding? Should it be the souls themselves? Should He force angels to assume those roles, possibly against their wills? Or should God One create other immaterial beings to act as customs and immigration officers for Heaven?

Heaven on the Cheap

God One was puzzling over these questions when the answer came to Him like an epiphany, which is a divinely odd thing to happen to a deity. “Other Gods have already created heavens,” God One said unto himself. “I’ll ask Them for Their blueprints. I’ll built to the plans and, Bob’s your deity, My will will be done in a soon-to-be-built-here Heaven as it, despite My best efforts, is not done on Earth.”

And so God One called His Fellow Gods, without reversing the charges as was His wont. And He asked Them for Their heaven blueprints. But, to a God, none would give Their blueprints to Him unless God One promised to pay unto Them a hefty royalty for every soul He took into His Heaven.

“God Infinity be damned, They are the most mercenary of Bastards, aren’t They?” thought God One unto Himself.

Being a parsimonious, some would say cheap, god, God One refused to pay the other Gods anything. Times were then tough for the Gods. All deities were stopping the gravy train and cutting the fat in Their operations. God One was damned if He was going to pay perpetual royalties to another God for something He could do himself. Or, more accurately, He supposed He could do Himself.

So it was, and so it should have been, that God One set out to create a heaven of His own almost, but not quite heavenly design, making most of it up as he went along. And He called it simply Heaven, because, amazingly, none of the other Gods had copyrighted that name. This was fortunate for He, despite His infinite wisdom, could not come up with a better name.

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