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Book of Heaven: Chapter 3

Heaven Creation

Heavenly Strip Joints

Heavenly Strip Joints

After initially thinking that He would create strip joints in His Heaven, God One decided against it. He thought to Himself, “What sense does a strip joint make in a place where souls have no bodies to hang clothes upon? What would the strippers take off when eternal male souls with still juvenile, prurient, penile minds shouted, ‘Take it off! Take it off!’?” So, He decided to leave the strip joints out of His Heaven.

Then, He changed His mind again. (He always had trouble making decisions.) “There will be new male souls entering Heaven all the time,” He thought to Himself. (Thinking to anyone else was difficult even for a god.) “When the penises that I created override their associated minds, rationality flies out the window. My strip clubs will make a killing off the new souls who don’t yet know that the allegedly invisible clothes coming off the bodiless souls is a charade.” So, His first creations in His Heaven were strip joints of varying degrees of heavenly sleaziness.

Heavenly Strip Joints and Brothels

He experienced no such indecisiveness about creating brothels. “I don’t know how bodiless souls will have sex, it seems impossible to Me, but if I know my creations, and I do, they’ll find a way,” He thought. “Some who can’t get any or can’t get enough for free will spare no expense in the brothels.” No sooner thought than done. Brothels were created in God One’s Heaven. Figuring that they could fetch higher fees, angels were conscripted to work in the brothels because what heterosexual guy or lesbian woman wouldn’t want to have sex with an angel?

Not wanting to pass up any revenue opportunities, He created male angels to service the needs and wants of gay souls and heterosexual female souls who wanted to avoid the emotional attachments that they feared their male partners would develop if they engaged in noncommercial sex.

For good measure, He also created clubs where, for an annual membership fee, souls could join in the continuous orgies that would go on there. Angels would be allowed to go there at their will. Their attendance would be mandatory only if the male:female ratios at the orgies got too far out of whack.

Heavenly Telescopes

Knowing that souls would want to look upon their still-living descendants to share in their descendants’ joys and sorrows—but particularly joys—God One created heavenly telescopes. With them, residents of Heaven would be able to look down upon Earth, for Earth was not visible from Heaven with the naked immaterial eye. For the equivalent of two Earth quarters (American), a soul would be able use a telescope to peer down on any living creation on Earth for two minutes. Then, telescope’s shutter would close until another two heavenly quarters were inserted. Because souls would be able to use the telescopes at any time, including when the people on Earth were naked, God One correctly figured that the telescopes would be another big money-spinner. Thus, after creating the telescopes, He immediately set about minting a vast quantity of ethereal quarters.

At first, God One believed that he would have to provide only for His souls’ carnal needs. He had, after all, told them to be fruitful and multiply, so the ones who followed his commandments and, therefore, were qualified to enter Heaven would be the ones who had been horny as hell and, therefore, not have time for any other needs. Then he realized that, because souls didn’t need to sleep or eat, they might still have a little time left over that would need filling.

To this end, God One created parks in Heaven for its future resident souls to frolic in. Well, not so much frolic because frolicking is best done with legs or leg-like appendages. Souls had none, nor any other material body parts for that matter. Instead, if they put their disembodied minds to it, the best souls would be able to do in the park is almost approach a state of keeping one’s self occupied, but in truth it would be more like floating around aimlessly.

Partly Cloudy

God One filled the parks with what, to the untrained eye, looked like beautiful, fluffy clouds. To the trained eye they also looked like beautiful, fluffy clouds, because that, indeed, was what they were. The difference was that the owners of the trained eyes were able to accurately rate the beauty and fluffiness of the clouds on a scale of one to ten. Those who possessed they highest level of eye-training were able to do so to two decimal places. In contrast, owners of untrained eyes had to settle for the adjectives “fluffy” and “beautiful.”

He had wanted to also put trees, shrubs, flowers and grass in the parks so, to the visiting souls, they would feel more like some of the better parks back on Earth. However, because He couldn’t figure out how to anchor vegetation to the clouds, they kept crashing down to Earth. Some of them crashed onto the heads unsuspecting, still-living people, resulting in no-longer-living people and more souls well ahead of God One’s plan for their earthly demise. Because they had met an untimely end as a result of a divine screwup, God One grante them admission to His Heaven even if they didn’t otherwise qualify.

Beyond the unexpected influx of additional people into Heaven, God One was more than a little anal retentive. Once he drew up a schedule it irked him terribly to deviate from it in the slightest. He knew it would take him longer than called for in the plan to find a way of keeping the vegetation up there. Hence, he forfeited the trees, shrubs, flowers and grass in favor of more clouds, which were only rarely lethal.

He put in some ultra-fine restaurants even though souls don’t eat. He figured that, for a touch of their previous corporeal homes, middle class diner souls would enjoy being treated shabbily by snotty maitre d’s and servers who looked down on them. Because souls don’t require sustenance, servers would charge high prices to show diners pictures of delicious foods while the souls would imagine themselves salivating over and then eating the pictured victuals. This being Heaven, large tips would not be required, but would be encouraged.

God One had considered putting movie theaters in Heaven, but the movie studios demanded exorbitant fees for eternal licenses, so He declined.

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