After finally revealing Himself to His creations, God One, liking to hear the sound of His own voice, said unto His creations, “If thou shalt be good and just and if thou shalt fulfill the admission requirements, which includes honoring most, if not all, of My guidelines, thou shalt be permitted to enter the Kingdom of My Heaven after completing the necessary paperwork and signing the required release forms.” God One then reminded Himself to stop using that phony baloney biblical “thou shalt” speech affectation. He also began to fear that He was paying way too much heed to His lawyers.
His creations were beside themselves. They had never seen God One, their Creator, reveal himself before. Previously, He had always appeared to them in flowing robes that were buttoned all the way down the front, leaving not the slightest of gaps through which they could catch site of what lay beneath. Having been built in His image, God One’s creations thought He would have been larger “down there,” at least in proportion to His colossal size. What they didn’t know is that He had just come back from a visit to the nether regions of His universe. It approaches absolute zero there and, as a result, there had been some shrinkage.
Once they got over the shock of the sight, God One’s creations cried out to Him, begging Him to tell them the admission requirements. (God One can be absentminded at times and He forgot to do so at the time.) They wanted to know if it was worth giving up some of their fun to get into Heaven.
Hearing their pleas, God One enumerated the admission requirements. He would have cited, listed or itemized them, but He thought it sounded more godly to enumerate them.
Admission Requirements Enumerated
God One enumerated the admission requirements, in no particular order, as follows:
- Thou shalt not have committed murder at any time in your life unless you have done so in self-defense or as part of a duly authorized war or as an executioner hired or contracted by the state or if the murder was committed to advance the purposes of My Church. (Despite berating Himself, He couldn’t break his “thou shalt” habit.) If thou shalt buy the appropriate dispensation from My Church, or one of its authorized representatives, this entry requirement may, at My discretion, be waived. Thou must purchase one dispensation for each murder thou hast committed. There shalt not be any bulk discounts for multiple murders except in exceptional circumstances.
- Thou shalt be given a free pass for up to five transgressions of any of the eleven other guidelines of my Twelve Guidelines. After five, thou must buy indulgences for thy sins if thou wish to enter the Kingdom of My Heaven. If you buy the appropriate indulgences, the associated sins will not be counted as violations of the admission requirements.
- Thou shalt not bring your worldly possessions with thee into the Kingdom of My Heaven unless you pay the equivalent of $25 Earth dollars (American) for the first piece of luggage no larger than 62 linear inches and weighing no more than 50 pounds. The fee for each additional bag that meets those size and weight restrictions is $35. Gold-level donors to My Church, or a church of a God with Whom I have negotiated a code-sharing agreement, will be allowed two bags free, assuming those bags meet the size and weight restrictions. Additional fees will be charged for oversized and overweight bags and sporting equipment.
- If thou shalt die in a state of marriage, thou shalt wait in My Heaven’s waiting room until thy spouse shall die. The same shalt be true if you die in a province of marriage. Thou may then file a joint application to enter My Heaven. If either spouse does not qualify for entry into My Heaven, neither spouse may enter. However, thou mayest apply for a divorce before or after death and, if it is granted, thou may enter the Kingdom of My Heaven solo. If thou shalt be single when thou dies (except, of course, if thou art single by way of widowhood or widowerhood) thou shalt suffer no such restrictions.
- Thou shalt be allowed into the Kingdom of My Heaven if your death is by your own hand, but only after writing a scholarly thesis explaining how you were able to thwart My will regarding the time of your death. The thesis shalt be at least 10,000 words long and provide ample, properly cited references to other scholarly works. The thesis must look at not only the physical aspects of your suicide, but also the metaphysical aspects of overturning My Great Plan for thee. I shalt use your research to attempt to close any loopholes in My Great Plan that might exist.
- There shalt be no age restrictions on entry into the Kingdom of My Heaven. However, babies shalt be placed in a state of limbo until their parents or caregivers die. They shalt all then enter the Kingdom of My Heaven together because I’ll be damned if I’m going to spend my days taking care of babies and My angels have more valuable things to do, such as work in My Heaven’s brothels. If a baby’s parents or caregivers do not qualify for entry into the the Kingdom of My Heaven, the baby may apply for adoption by a qualifying adult, but he or she shalt remain in limbo until being adopted.
- Thou shalt not bring your pets into the Kingdom of My Heaven. In my haste, I forgot to give animals (other than humans, the basest of My animals) souls. Only souls can inhabit the Kindom of My Heaven because pets with bodies would leave their droppings all over the place and, without any arms, souls would be unable to stoop and scoop. An exception shalt be made for guide dogs. Sight-impaired souls shalt be allowed to bring their guide dogs with them. However, they must, prior to their deaths, apply to My Ministries to have their dogs put down upon their deaths. My Ministries shalt be authorized to charge a reasonable fee for this service. In addition, prior to entering the Kindom of My Heaven, the soon-to-be-bodiless souls must beseech Me to give their dogs souls as a compassionate exception. I may or may not grant such a beseeching at My discretion.
- Ignorance of the admission requirements shall not be considered to be an excuse for violating them.
And another thing…
In addition, and most important:
- Thou shalt not enter the Kingdom of My Heaven if thou art in arrears in thy dues to My Church.
- There shalt be secret entry requirements that I shalt invent as I go along so I can keep the riffraff out of the Kingdom of My Heaven.
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