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Book of Heaven: Chapter 5

Heaven's Rules

Heaven’s Rules


After God One created His Heaven, He looked upon it and saw that it was, well, not good, but good enough for the souls of His pitiful little creations. And He set about creating rules for the souls who would occupy His Heaven, for there was nothing He enjoyed more than issuing Commandments, or even just less formal commandments. What’s more, He had not a whit of confidence in the abilities of his creations to come up with sensible rules of conduct on their own. Which is not to say that all of His Commandments or commandments were perfectly sensible, but, shut up.

The rules, subject to changes and additions without notice, were as follows:

  • Thou shalt not look deep within the souls of your fellow souls because, not having bodies to cover their souls, that would be pornographic. Failing to look within the souls of partners might cause rifts within the marriages, civil unions and shackings up in Heaven, but so be it. One and one must protect propriety, mustn’t One and one? Besides, for many of My creations, failing to look within the souls of their partners, or even undertaking the slightest of efforts to make a pretence of doing so, won’t be a heck of a lot different from their relationships on Earth, no matter what they might say in moments of passion.
  • After paying the appropriate fees, thou shalt frequently use the telescopes provided by God One to look down upon thy descendants on Earth and to smile upon them when appropriate, frown upon them when proper, and neither smile nor frown upon them out of context. And thou shalt do so even whilst your descendants art naked, yea, verily, even whilst they art having sex, for this shalt not be considered pornographic, but rather it shalt be classified as admiring God One’s handiwork and the results of His number-one Commandment, i.e., to be fruitful and multiply.
  • Thou shalt not welch on your debts at Heaven’s restaurants, strip joints or brothels, even if thou didst so in your days on Earth; nay, verily, particularly if thou didst so in your days on Earth for then I shalt not trust you, nor shalt I give you credit.
  • Thou shalt not admit to fornicating outside of wedlock, civil unionlock or shacking uplock unless you really, really want to. I shalt not encourage lying about it, but, hey, I didn’t create my creations perfectly. Nor did I get the willpower formula quite right. I really thought willpower would be a lot stronger in My creations. So, hey, try to not do it, but it’s going to happen and lying shalt sometimes be better than hurting the feelings of thy partner. It’s My fault for creating you like that. If, despite thy very best efforts, My imperfect creation of thy willpower and sex drive make it impossible for thee to control thyself, be discreet about it. That’s all I ask.
  • Thou shalt not speak the work “kumquat” in Heaven for thou shalt not have any need for food and I always thought the word sounded dirty. I have no recollection of creating kumquats. I art convinced that either one of the other Gods interceded in my universe to create them or I did it in a drunken stupor. Hey, it happens.
  • As souls in Heaven, thou shalt no longer need to bow down before Me, at least not until I figure out a way for bodiless souls to bow and kneel. Then, absolutely. Thou shalt count on it. However, that’s a tough nut to crack. It might take Me a while.
  • Thou shalt not nag Me with thy incessant, whiny, petty prayers. I put up with it during thy pitiful little lifetime. I’ll be damned if I’ll suffer through it indefinitely for as long as thou shalt be a soul in Heaven.
  • Thou shalt not spend any time—not one second—discussing whether souls have matter and mass for I find such talk boring and I can’t always tune out the babble that My human creations and their souls speak incessantly. The subject of angels dancing on heads of pins shalt also be verboten. Enough, already.
  • Thou shalt not discriminate based on race for thy souls shalt not have bodies, so how the heck would that work even if thou wert moronic enough to want to discriminate based on race? If I inadvertently let any Nazis or neo-Nazis into Heaven, feel free to discriminate against them. Creating them and letting them into Heaven shalt be My mistake, not thine.
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