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Book of Heaven: Chapter 6

Beta Testers

Heaven's Beta Testers

Heaven’s Beta Testers

After completing His Heaven, God One invited all of his first human creations—Adam, Eve, Bob, Carol, Ted and Alice—and their children, grandchildren, great grandchildren and great great grandchildren to enter the Kingdom of His Heaven whether they had met the normal entry requirements or not. God One wanted them to be beta testers for His Heaven.

Nine of Adam, Eve, Bob, Carol, Ted and Alice’s descendants refused because they felt they had suffered enough under God One while they were alive and they didn’t want to do so for all eternity. They had already applied, been accepted and were living, so to speak, in God Two’s Heaven. They found Her Heaven quite pleasant and didn’t want to leave for an unknown heaven thrown together by God One, who had proved so inept at putting together his Earth and his living creations. God One was offended by this, but because God Two had created Him he didn’t say anything.

After what they’d been through while alive and after seeing how badly God One had screwed up His creation of Earth, Adam, Eve, Bob, Carol, Ted and Alice all also had misgivings about entering God One’s Heaven. However, being His original creations they felt a sense of loyalty and agreed to go.

Upon arriving in Heaven, its new occupants floated around to get the lay of the clouds. As God One predicted, they quickly found a way to have sex despite not having bodies. It involves ectoplasm, but God One’s Censors have decreed that the description shalt not be provided to family audiences because it is too erotic, so it shalt not be reported here.

After having rediscovered sex, Adam, Eve, Bob, Carol, Ted, Alice and their descendants stayed faithful to their marriage partners in Heaven as they had on Earth, which is to say not at all. The men made frequent use of the brothels. Having no desire to conform to sexual stereotypes, so did the women.

Much to God One’s surprise and consternation, nine months after having sex, many of the female souls started having baby souls. And the souls of Adam and Eve begat the souls Moonbeam, Moonglow and Yaweh. And the souls of Bob and Carol begat the souls Starshine and Rah. And the souls of Ted and Alice begat the souls Gloridays, Thor and Aphrodite. And the souls Moonbeam and Aphordite begat … well, thou doest get the picture.

God One couldn’t figure out why the souls of His creations would pick flower children’s and false gods’ names for their offspring souls, but never mind that. He foresaw that all of this begetting would fill up His Heaven far too quickly. He didn’t want to have to constantly renovate it to provide more space. The dust and inconvenience would be a horrendous inconvenience and thou wouldst not believe what contractors charge for construction in Heaven. Hence, He began to continuously infuse His heavenly skies with a powerful airborne contraceptive. Then, souls could mate as often as they liked without consequence. (Souls are eternal—at least until the heavenly End Times—and, therefore, remain disease-free. Hence, sexually transmitted diseases were not a problem in Heaven as they were on Earth.)


God One looked upon his decision to use his early creations as beta testers and saw that it was good for not all was right in God One’s Heaven.

The first problem that Heaven’s residents discovered was with the telescopes that God One had set up to allow souls to spy on their still-living decedents and loved ones. Quarters were required to open the telescopes’ shutters, but without hands—or any body to speak of or to not speak of—souls proved incapable of carrying around quarters, let alone inserting them into the telescopes’ slots. This was cutting deeply into the revenue that God One expected to reap from the telescopes. He solved this problem by converting the telescopes to an automatic billing system, which detected the presence of an individual sole, opened the telescope’s shutter and then charged the soul’s account the appropriate amount.

In their rush to get inside, male souls, and many female ones as well, often crashed into the walls and doors of the strip joints and brothels. God One had not expected this, what with the lack of physical bodies and all, he thought that crashing into things wouldn’t happen. To solve this problem, God One removed the walls. There was, after all, not really much to see inside, what with the lack of physical bodies and all.

The beta testers complained that it was always cloudy in Heaven, which was, after all, placed up in the clouds. God one solved this problem by firmly telling the souls to suck it up. Not complaining about the cloudy weather is now written into the contract that every soul must now sign before entering God One’s Heaven. He imposed the same contract on the beta testers retroactively because He was a god and gods can impose contracts on people at will.

Souls were having difficulty interacting because, without bodies, it was impossible to see each other. They constantly had to call out things like, “Hey, is anyone there? Does anyone want to get together for a game of canasta? Hey, Eve, is that you? I thought I recognized your perfume. You’re looking hot tonight or, at least, I’m sure you would look hot if you had a body. Damn! I hate being a bodiless soul.” God One solved this problem by integrating celestial GPS devices into souls and providing monitors so souls could track other souls and meet up with them, so to speak. As to having to imagine what the other souls looked like, based on all of the masturbating they did whilst they did have bodies, He figured they wouldn’t have a problem with that.

The toilets in Heaven overflowed frequently. This created a disgusting, smelly mess that was completely unnecessary as souls neither need to defecate, nor urinate. God One solved this problem by arranging to have contractors remove the toilets. He couldn’t remember why he put them there in the first place. And He was totally baffled as to why they were overflowing despite never being used. He hated being baffled. He tried to project an image of omniscience and omnipotence. He wasn’t fooling anyone with that act, but He thought it was important to at least try to keep up appearances. So He quickly did away with anything that baffled Him.

And those were just the problems that the beta testers, finicky souls that they were, discovered in their first three and a half hours in God One’s Heaven. Millions more were found in the ensuing years, but they shalt not be inscribed here so as to not make God One, the designer of His Heaven, look bad.

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