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Book of Heaven: Chapter 7

A Day in the Death

And the souls came to spend what they assumed would be eternity in Heaven. And they floated among the luxurious parks, the lascivious brothels and strip joints, and the lands of milk and honey up among the clouds. And as the millennia passed—day after day after damned day—many souls took to saying frequently onto God One, “The gardens, brothels and strip joints art nice, but what do we need with milk and honey? Really. We’re bodiless souls. We can’t consume liquids, nor solids for that matter. We are bodiless souls. If we tried to consume them they’d pass right through us. Thanks, Lord, our God One, but we could do without the milk and honey. They just create a mess and slow us down as we try to pass through them.”

And eventually a typical day came to take on a monotonous hue. Each day was increasingly consumed with souls saying to each other, “What do you want to do?” “I don’t know. What do you want to do?” “How about …” “Nah, we’ve done that thousands of times already. It gets boring after the first few thousand times.” “But I didn’t finish what I was going to say.” “It doesn’t matter. We’ve been here for millennia and need neither sleep nor food. We’ve done everything thousands of times.”

Even the strip joints and brothels became boring, no matter how innovative the angels working in those heavenly establishments were in devising new moves and positions. Much to God One’s consternation, this was curtailing Heaven’s revenues. Were it not for the souls who had entered the Kingdom of God One’s Heaven in the last few thousand years and, therefore, had not yet tired of the brothels and strip joints, there would have been no revenue from them whatsoever.

And the souls took to pleading of God One, “Please, God One, our Lord, tell us again about Thy End Times. You promised that You would wreak an End Times upon Thy Heaven as well as on Thy Earth, right? You promised. Thou won’t go back on thy promised, will Thou?”

The Not So Threatening Threat

And God One replied, “Read the contract that thou didst sign before entering My Heaven. I’m pretty sure it expressly states that thou shalt not whine and complain about My Heaven, particularly not to me. If thou wishes to whine and complain amongst thyselves, that’s one thing, but I don’t want to hear it. And if thy contract doesn’t say that I shalt add that clause retroactively. So shut the heck up or I’ll throw you out of My Heaven.”

And the souls responded, “Yeah, like that’s a threat. It’s so freaking tiresome in here that we could die of boredom if we weren’t already dead. Beauty is one thing. But after a while it’s not nearly enough. Go ahead. Throw us out. See if we care.”

God One puts games in heaven to fill souls' days

God One puts games in heaven to fill souls’ days

And so God One frequently invented new games for his souls to play and amuse themselves. He wasn’t really concerned about the tedium of souls, but He was afraid that they were right and they would die of boredom. He couldn’t work out in His mind the consequences for the fabric of metaphysics should that happen, but on the off chance that it wouldn’t be good he felt he should keep the souls of His creations entertained.

And the rules of His games were asinine, because how could anyone, even a god, invent enough serious games to keep souls amused for millennia, if not longer? But most of the rules were no less silly than the rules of the games the souls played while living on Earth, so the souls played God One’s silly games and pretended to be happy.

And the games often involved the drinking of heavenly spirits. That was difficult even for God One one to accomplish for the souls could not drink anything in the absence of their bodies, but God One felt he had to figure it out because His creations’ souls would be less annoying if they remained pleasantly drunk. And so He did.

And so the long-time souls days continued to be excruciating boring, but they didn’t notice while in their states of intoxication. And God One looked upon this and saw that it was good.

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