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Book of Heaven: Chapter 8


And it came to pass that a great many souls of all nationalities, creeds and densities came to live together in God One’s Heaven. Many arrived with their own lingo, but races having been left behind with their bodies, the number of excuses for bigotry in Heaven were lesser than they were on Earth, not that that stopped the bigotry.

And each soul brought his or her living language—including unique lingo—with him or her, which made ordering in restaurants difficult. This was not as much of a problem as one might think as souls do not need sustenance, which thou would have known if thou had been paying attention to the previous chapters of the Book of Heaven. How doest thou expect to get anywhere in thy life, let alone thy death, if thou doest not pay attention?

Lingo Evolves in Heaven

Lingo Evolves in Heaven

And each language evolved as its speakers dwelled in Heaven over the centuries and, eventually, millennia. And it came to pass that God One picked up the evolved heavenly lingoes and began using them when speaking to His living creations on Earth, which tended to confuse the hell out of those creations, not to mention recent arrivals in Heaven.

The deviations of the heavenly languages as compared to their earthly counterparts were many and varied. Listing them all here in the Book of Heaven would bore people and, therefore, hurt sales of the Book. Consequently, the following are but a few samples of the peculiarities of the heavenly English lingo:

  • When a soul in Heaven says, “He hasn’t got a ghost of a chance,” the speaker means that he or she believes that the subject of the conversation is absolutely certain to achieve the objective being discussed. Admittedly, this formulation doesn’t make any sense, but, no matter what beliefs they might have had when living on Earth, most souls no longer doubt the existence of ghosts.
  • “Heaven help us,” is a request for any and all souls within earshot to help a couple or a group of souls with a problem.
  • Souls don’t say “heavens above.” Instead, they say “heavens here.”
  • The expression “souls in Heaven” is translated to “us.”
  • The word “mortals” is translated to “them.”
  • The expression “mortal souls” doesn’t exist in Heaven’s lingo.
  • New entrants into Heaven sometimes employ it liberally, but, without fail, the word “awesome” is eventually shunted aside in a soul’s vocabulary by, “Ho hum. Been there. Done that. Will continue going there, doing that for time everlasting. Like I said, ho hum.”
  • When getting married in heaven, instead of saying “until death do us part,” souls say “yeah, whatever.”
  • In the soul’s lingo, “God dammit” has become, “Hey, big guy. I really, really, really would have preferred if that hadn’t happened, you know. I mean, come on. Can’t you pick on someone else for a while?” (Because souls live eternally they can spend a lot of time cursing and still have a lot more time left over. And, being in Heaven, they are much more casual when speaking to God One.)
  • Souls don’t speak of “moving heaven and earth” because they are afraid God One might permit and enable that to happen and they’ll end up in a worse neighborhood after the move.
  • Souls also don’t speak of “Heaven on Earth” because they’re superstitious and fear it might come true. They had more than their fill of Earth during their lifetimes.
  • Elysium (aka the Elysium fields) of Greek mythology is known by souls as The Upper East Side.
  • Souls can’t bring themselves to speak the word “eternity.” Instead, they unaffectionately say, “that which never, ever ends, god dammit” or, more properly, “that which never, ever ends. Hey, big guy. I really, really, really would have preferred if that hadn’t happened, you know. I mean, come on. Can’t you pick on someone else for a while?” That’s a mouthful, but souls have all of the time in the world to spit it out, or so they believe.
  • “Walk a mile in my shoes” has, in the heavenly lingo, become “float a kilometer in my ectoplasm.” Heaven has gone metric. This means that souls don’t have to travel as far to fulfill the heavenly request as they would have had to travel to fulfill the earthly equivalent because a kilometer is only 0.62 miles. This is a good thing because, surprisingly, most souls are even lazier than they were when they had bodies that they had to lug around.
  • The saying, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink,” has evolved into, “Horses. I remember horses. I used to like horses. Would it kill God One to give a few horses souls and let them float around among the clouds with us? I’m not talking about a horde of horses. Just a few. That would be nice.”
  • “Birth” is referred to as “the start of the downward slide to death.”
  • “Death” is referred to as “the God One damned start of everlasting freaking eternity. What the hell am I going to do to amuse my freaking self for all of freaking eternity? Why couldn’t we just die and be done with it? Is that too much to ask? Who the hell needs this afterlife. Sure as hell not me; I can tell you that!”
  • Souls never say, “the best is yet to come.” Instead, they laugh.
  • The friend speech, i.e., the one that begins, “I like you, but not in that way,” and ends with, “can’t we just be friends?” is never heard in Heaven. It is Heaven, after all.
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