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Book of Heaven: Chapter 9

Hell

The closest thing God One has to hell is the suburbs

The closest thing God One has to hell is the suburbs

There is no hell. There never was one. At least, God One doesn’t have one, but he suspects that some of the other Gods do. That is to say, He doesn’t have one in the sense that heathen religions suggest. His Hell is more like the suburbs.

The other Gods, blessed be They, won’t confirm or deny that because They want to keep Their creations guessing and They are afraid God One will spill the beans.

God One, our Creator, has a reputation among the Gods as a blabbermouth. God One doesn’t know where the concept of a hell for his creations came from, although He doesn’t discourage such a belief because He is convinced that a belief in the most negative of negative reinforcements would keep His creations in line.

In the early days of His universe, He had thought about creating a hell, but he decided against it. He figured that by placing His creations in a world that he had so horribly screwed up—one with earthquakes, hurricanes, typhoons, tornadoes, mudslides, avalanches, wildfires, and creatures capable of and seemingly eager to, in no particular order, murder, rape, torture, wage war, commit genocide, terrorize, kidnap, steal and perpetrate telephone and email scams, not to mention undertake telemarketing and send spam—none of His creatures, not even the evilest of them, deserved any more punishment than He had already inflicted on them just by creating them and the world they lived in.

So, there is no hell as described by some other religions.

Besides, even if He did create a hell, people wouldn’t have to go there. People barred from God One’s Heaven would still be free to apply for entry into one of the other Gods’ heavens. And, with an infinite number of Gods out there, many of them infinitely depraved, everyone, no matter how evil, will find one God or another to accept him or her.

True, some of the other Gods’ heavens were worse than what hell was perceived to be, but that can’t be helped. Upon their deaths, people can choose to apply to whatever God’s heaven they want to apply to. Ignorance of the deplorable conditions of that heaven is no excuse.

Despite there being no hell, there is a Satan. He runs a telemarketing firm that operates out of a small town not far from Newark. If hell is where Satan lives, it is a modest shack in that town, along with lavish penthouse condominium apartments in New York, Toronto, Los Angeles, London, Paris, Geneva and Tokyo, all of which are held by a numbered company that is secretly controlled by Satan.

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