The Bible
site map

Book of Kristi: Chapter 3

Birth of Sarah, December 25

Birth of Kristi

Birth of Kristi

About eight and a half months after his return, on December 25*, Joseph and Mary celebrated the birth of Sarah.

Upon confronting his wife about him being busy mining salt in the desert between Sodom and Gotham when their daughter was conceived, Mary Bennebish said onto her husband, “No, no. You must have the dates of the convention and subsequent salt-mining expedition wrong. I’m sure you were here nine months ago. I’m absolutely certain of it.”

Joseph began to doubt his own memory. But then he consulted the receipts for the convention fees and the dinner with the Sage. Those receipts, along with the paperwork for the credit he used to acquire the donkeys, the donkey paraphernalia, the backpack and the bundle buggy all concurred. It couldn’t be simply an error in the date on one of the documents. He had definitely been away nine months prior.

At that moment, three wisenheimers were led by a male porn star to the house of Mary. The porn star did not expect Joseph to be home and left upon spying him there. But the three wisenheimers, Ishmael Goldberg, Frank Inssents and Merle Mirland, stayed.

During their presence, the three wisenheimers said unto Mary, “Believe us. We have knowledge and insight granted to us by the highest of powers. The maître d’ of the city hall cafeteria confirmed to us that Joseph was, indeed, out of town nine months ago.”

An Early, or Possibly Late, Birth

When presented with that evidence, Mary said to Joseph, “Oh. Um. Er. Right. Our baby was premature. Or late. I’m not sure which. But she was certainly premature or late. Whichever makes the arithmetic work. Yeah, that’s what it was. That’s definitely what it was.”

Joseph slapped his forehead hard and said to Mary, “How could I be so incredibly stupid? Of course. That’s it. She was premature. Or late.”

And a glow of paternal bliss overcame Joseph as he picked up his tiny daughter and cradled her in his arms.

And Mary wiped heavy streams of sweat from her brow and heaved a sigh of relief, which Joseph mistook as maternal bliss.

And they named their baby Sarah. The name was Mary’s idea. It was short for “sighs and relief after hoax.” Mary had thought about naming their baby Closecall, but she feared that even Joseph, dullard tho he may be, might catch on.


*Modern Infinitian scholars of the highest repute, which isn’t saying much, have precisely calculated the year of Sarah’s birth to be 2442 BCE, plus or minus 1,500 years.

←Chapter 2  Chapter 4→