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Book of Kristi: Chapter 8

Sermon on the Mount

Sermon on the Mount

Sermon on the Mount

As Kristi’s reputation for propheteering grew, she garnered a large following. Much to her regret, “following” was a literal term. They followed her everywhere. She had to get sturdier doors and walls to prevent them barging into her dwelling. Public washrooms, which of course did not have reinforced walls and doors, were out of the question even though she was careful to lock the door when she was inside. This posed a problem because the Sage powers that God One delivered unto her did not include a superior bladder or super-human bowels.

And her following grew.

And grew.

Often, hundreds of people at a time would follow her. Her following was particularly large when the restaurants, gambling establishments and bordellos were closed, for then the people of Gotham had nothing else to do but follow Kristi.

The people wanted her to speak words of wisdom onto them, for they were so lacking in words of wisdom. Or thoughts of wisdom, for that matter.

Most of them couldn’t even spell wisdom to save their lives. Fortunately, failing to be able spell wisdom was rarely considered to be a capital crime. It was typically treated only a misdemeanour. The penalty was generally just a small fine. The non-spellers rarely had to spend more than a day or two in jail for failing to spell wisdom correctly. On the other hand, the penalties were far harsher if they couldn’t, for example, spell the indefinite article “a”. Much of the government’s revenues came from such fines.

The pursuit by her followers got to be a righteous nuisance for Kristi. One day, Kristi decided to make her escape. She was the most physically fit person in the town. Knowing this, she began to scamper up the nearby ironically named Mount of Beatitudes. Nothing could have been less blessed than that mountain.

The Mount of Beatitudes was the ugliest mountain in all of the Holy Land. From a distance it resembled a large, heaped up rag that had been used to scoop up excrement from an overflowing latrine. Close up, it looked and smelled like the same writ large.

Kristi figured no one would follow her up such a disgusting slag heap as the Mount of Beatitudes. She needed to wrap a perfumed dishcloth around her nose so the smell wouldn’t cause her to gag and choke on her own vomit. Kristi was certain that the perfumed dishcloth shortage that was ravaging Gotham at the time would ensure that no one would follow in her footsteps. Besides, she figured, her superior fitness would allow her to outdistance everyone else.

She was wrong. Kristi looked back as she neared the summit of the mount. To her amazement, dozens of people were close behind. Kristi took this as a miracle and began to think that God One really did exist. And He really did hate her.

Bereft of Options, Kristi Gives Her Sermon on the Mount

Realizing that God One would not let her escape, Kristi turned to give the speech of her lifetime. She knew that her sermon — her sermon on the mount — had to be as inspiring as all get out. Although, she had no idea what “as all get out” meant, for it was not in the idiom of the time. She was determined that her sermon would serve to cement her reputation as a true prophet of God One. And it did.

Word of its greatness spread. And the people of Gotham, Greater Gotham and the surrounding cities, towns, villages and scrubland would come to know it as the Sermon on the Mount.

The words Kristi spoke unto her followers were as follows:

“Blessed are the poor in spirits, for theirs is the kingdom of sobriety.

Blessed are those who rise early in the morn, for they shall get the worm.

Blessed are the leeks, for they shall be tasty.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for deep fried chicken, fries and beer, for they shall become fat.

Blessed are the merci-full, for they shall know how to be thankful en français.

Blessed are the pure in art, for they shall know poverty.

Blessed are the pacemakers, for they shall correct arrhythmias1.

Blessed are those who are prostituted for righteousness’ sake, for their beds shall be as heaven.

Blessed are you when others revile you, persecute you and utter all kinds of monstrously large bad debts fraudulently under your account. Rejoice and be glad, for it shall not get any better, so you might as well find what modicum of joy you can.”

And the people rejoiced, although they were never quite sure why.

———————-

1. At the time, nobody had the slightest idea what pacemakers or arrhythmias were, but this would prove to be Kristi’s most prescient prophesy.

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