Voice of God: God One Reveals Himself
On the occasion of Sarah’s twenty-seventh birthday*, just as she was on the verge of making a breakthrough that would end the scourge of cancer—all forms of cancer—once and for all, a resounding voice filled her laboratory.
Miraculously, the voice was simultaneously booming and whiny. It was as if an invisible, magical giant was unhappy about how the world He had created was treating Him. And He was determined to tell the whole world about it in the most irksome way possible.
And God One said unto Sarah, “Sarah, you have been married one score minus fourteen years, yet you have borne no children. Did I create you barren? I didn’t mean to create you barren. But, despite being Ruler of your universe, things don’t aways turn out the way I plan.”
“No,” answered Sarah. “I think I am as fertile as the most fecund lilies of the valley. You have made ovaries that yield up eggs every damned four weeks—thank you so very much for that; I needed it like another hole in my head. And, I assume, my womb is serviceable.”
“Then why hast thou disobeyed my commandment to be fruitful and multiply?” asked the voice of God One complainingly. “Hast thy husband refused to go into you. I’ve commanded all men to go into their wives to be fruitful and multiply even if their wives would rather not. I will punish thy husband if he hath refused to perform his duty.”
“No, he ‘goes into’ me, as you so bluntly put it, frequently. Truth be told, I quite enjoy it. But I’m glad you brought that up,” groused Sarah. “How dare you? Why should my husband be allowed to force himself on me without any threat of punishment? Don’t I have any say in the matter? What happened to justice? What happened to equality?”
“Where is it written that I promised justice or equality?” replied the voice of God One.
“Well, now that you mention it, nowhere. But why would you do such a thing? Why would you, not just suggest, but insist that one sex dominate the other? Didn’t you think that might cause some discontent and conflict? Because it has.”
“My sweet child,” spoke God One in his most godly of condescending voices. “You are but a mere mortal and could not hope to perceive or understand all of the details of my Great Plan. I did it because … um … er … shut up! That’s why.”
Voice of God. Typical.
“Isn’t that just like a god,” said Sarah. “You can’t explain yourself, can you? Never mind. To be honest, I don’t actually believe in You. I was experimenting last night with a new drug. If it works, it will alleviate the suffering that some of my cancer patients experience from the treatments. As an added benefit, it should simultaneously give them back the appetite that the cancer medicines steal from them. However, it seems that the drug might have some unanticipated mind-altering side effects. There’s a good chance that I’m imagining You.”
Moments after she spoke those words a beaker filled with a highly flammable liquid rose off her laboratory work bench, moved of its own volition over top a lit Bunsen burner and began to rotate slowly bottom over top. Mystically, none of the liquid spilled even when the beaker was upside down. Nor did the liquid ignite as the flame touched it. The motion continued for thirteen rotations. The beaker then, again upright, drifted in the air and floated down onto its original location.
“Do you still doubt that I, God One, your Creator and Ruler of the Universe, exist?” asked God One commandingly.
“Yes. If I can hallucinate a detailed conversation with an invisible deity, I can just as easily hallucinate a flying beaker. Actually, more easily. But, just for the sake of argument, let’s give you the benefit of the doubt and say you exist. I’m busy trying to cure cancer, so let’s quickly cut to the chase. What do you want from me?”
“I’m glad you asked,” bellowed the voice of God One, for He tried to make everything sound like a command even when it was only a transitional phrase. “I want you to be my PR person. Not enough people believe in me strongly enough. You’re a case in point. You’re the only person around here who is smart enough to turn that around. People won’t start listening to me until they start believing in me. So getting them to believe in me is not something I can accomplish on my own. That’s where you come in.”
“Why me?” asked Sarah. “Even now, I suspect you’re nothing more than a figment of my hyper-activated imagination. You’ll probably pass when the drug does. Besides, even if you do exist, I spend my days trying to correct some of the defects that you designed into our bodies—insufficient defenses against viral and bacterial infections, cells with inadequate control mechanisms that start to grow out of control resulting in lethal cancers, etc.—not to mention repairing the damage caused to people by the natural disasters and human atrocities that you allow to happen. Why the hell would I ever want to abandon my work to promote you?”
“Oh, ye of little faith.”
“I’ll make it worth your while. I am God One, Your Creator and Ruler of your Universe. There is much that I can bestow upon you.”
“Like when your work is done and your time on Earth is over I will bring you up to sit at My side in My Heaven. And when you’re not at My side you shall enjoy the pleasure of 72 virgins in My Paradise.”
“Why would that interest me? I’m a woman, and a reasonably attractive one at that. If I hide my brain and show a little leg, not to mention a little cleavage, at least 144 men will hit on me. If that’s what I was after, why would I settle for just 72? And virgins? Who the hell needs virgins? I’d like guys with some experience rather than nerds who will fumble around with me.”
“Sorry, I wasn’t thinking,” said God One. “That was the standard offer. It’s negotiable. What will it take to put you into this role today?”
“Tell everyone that I’m your daughter,” responded Sarah. “Tell them that I was immaculately conceived from a seed that you magically implanted in my mother. You don’t need to get into the details of how that happened. In fact, the fewer details, the better as far as the ignoramuses in this town are concerned.
Sarah Bargains With God One
“That’s what I want. I took a lot of bullying when I was a kid because everyone said I was a bastard child. There are still a lot of rednecks who shun me for that. I don’t mind being shunned so much, but it sometimes gets in the way of getting the resources I need to carry on my work.”
Incredulous, God One blurted out, “My daughter? That’s ridiculous. I’m an exceptionally powerful, amorphous, invisible being and you want me to tell people that I immaculately impregnated one of My creations to conceive a daughter of human form? If I wanted a child to call my own, why wouldn’t I just create one? No, no, no. My creations would never believe such nonsense as an immaculate conception of a love child of a god and a human. It’s too ludicrous for words. How about I just say you are a sage and My one true prophet? People will respect you then.”
God One was adamant on the point.
“Trust me,” said Sarah, “the more ridiculous you make it, the more likely these dolts are to believe it. But, OK. I’ll accept Sage and Your One True Prophet, but only if you capitalize ‘Sage’ and ‘One True Prophet’.”
“Done. Now that that’s settled, we have to do something about your name. ’Sarah Batjoseph’ doesn’t have enough gravitas. We’ll change your first name. And, as a Sage and Prophet, you really don’t need a last name. It just clutters things up. Henceforth, thou shalt be known as Kristi. Just Kristi.”
And so it was written and so it was. Sarah Batjoseph became Kristi Just Kristi because a chronicler forgot to include the first period when he inscribed God One’s words, “Kristi. Just Kristi.”
* Highly revered and respected Infinitian scholars have precisely dated Sarah’s twenty-seventh birthday as December 25, 2211 BCE, plus or minus fifty years. The calculations of the revered scholars differs somewhat from those of the respected scholars, but those differences are only in the margins of error that bound their results. Beyond these almost immaterial variances, their calculations are a tad off-putting because, as you will know if you are a loyal reader of Infinitian biblical footnotes, other reputable Infinitian scholars pegged Sarah’s birth at December 25, 2442 BCE, plus or minus 1,500 years.
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