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Book of Kristi: Chapter 14

Water Into Wine: Kristi saves a wedding by turning water into wine

Kristi saves a wedding by turning water into wine.

Kristi saves a wedding by turning water into wine.

A friend who Kristi had known since they were children was getting married. Her friend was not very bright. She frequently argued on the wrong side of debates about the result of 2+2. This was quite easy to do in Gotham as there were many such debates and many people willing to take other equally wrong sides.

Despite her friend’s stupidity, Kristi maintained their friendship across the years because her friend was, nevertheless, considered to be one of the intelligentsia of Gotham. Without her friend, Kristi would have had no acquaintances.

Kristi’s parents, who were friends of the bride’s parents, were also invited to the wedding.

Kristi had been avoiding her parents for weeks because she felt she deserved at least a few weeks of happiness in her life. However, life being what it was, this happiness could not persist.

Kristi’s mother had a PhD in guilt dissemination. She earned her degree in half the usual time because Fardeiget University, the leading university in Gotham, granted her advanced standing and credit for life experience.

The guilt of not seeing her mother had, with the incessant encouragement of her mother, gotten to Kristi. She decided to, as they say, kill two birds with one stone because society would have frowned upon her killing her mother. But she had to kill something to assuage her guilt.

Unfortunately, much to her regret, the senseless murder of two innocent birds did not do that for her. So, after giving the birds a rude burial, she went to the wedding to get the encounter with her mother over with, while simultaneously cementing the sham of her friendship with the bride.

Her mother always arrived at social gatherings at least one hour early. She wanted to be able to gossip about people as they walked in, without them being able to gossip about her. Nobody could figure out why she thought it was only possible to gossip about people on their way into an event. But she thought what she thought and nobody could change that.

Knowing this, Kristi went to the wedding one hour early to spend some “quality” time with her mother. That is “quality” as in “a distinct attribute”, not as in “a degree of excellence.” It was, after all, Kristi’s mother. Quality was not possible.

Kristi was not surprised to find that her mother was already at the wedding. Kristi sat down with her mother and asked her how she was.

“I’m troubled,” respond her mother.

“I know,” said Kristi.

“No, I mean I’m troubled about something specific.”

“Oh. What?”

Whining About a Lack of Wine

“This is a wedding, but there’ll be no wine. The Unholy Roman Emperor hath declared a prohibition on all alcoholic beverages. What is a wedding without wine?”

“Is that all that’s troubling you? No, don’t answer that. There’s always thousands of things troubling you. But this one is easy to resolve. Have faith in me.”

Kristi then called over one of the servants in the wedding hall and told him to go buy enough special water for 200 guests from her friend, Ombibulous, on Pontius Street. The servant protested that they already had enough water for the party. But Kristi assured him that they didn’t have this type of water.

“Remember to tell Omnibulous that you want the special water,” said Kristi. “Only the special water. Don’t forget that. Here. Let me write it down for you. And tell him Kristi sent you.”

She gave him more money than he had ever seen and told him to keep the change. But there wouldn’t be as much change as the servant would have expected.

The servant went off to do her bidding.

An hour and a half later all if the other invited guests were in the hall. Most of them had arrived fashionably late so as to not have to spend any more time with Kristi’s mother than absolutely necessary.

Kristi’s mother looked exceedingly worried, that being her natural state.

At just that moment, the servant finally trudged back into the hall. He was straining to push a large handcart laden with dozens of opaque bottles labelled “Ombibulous’ Special Water” to Kristi’s table.

Despite the presence of Kristi’s mother, a crowd gathered around the table because they were starved for entertainment. They hoped that whatever what was about to happen would provide some.

Turning Water Into Wine

Kristi told the servant to open one of the bottles and slowly pour some of the contents into her mother’s glass. While he did so, Kristi hovered her hand over the top of the bottle to obscure the liquid from people’s view until it had flowed into the glass.

The servant’s eyes involuntarily widened so forcefully that they almost ripped off and flew into God One’s Heaven for, as he poured, out flowed not the water, but wine.

“It is a miracle!” exclaimed the servant and the assembled crowd in unison. And, under Kristi’s direction, the water-cum-wine flowed for all of the guests.

Word that Kristi had turned water into wine spread across the land. This resulted in Kristi having to turn down more party invitations than any of God One’s creations could possibly imagine.

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