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InfiniGenesis: Chapter 1

In The Beginning: Darkness

In the beginning, God One kept bumping into things because it was dark.

In the beginning, God One kept bumping into things because it was dark.

In the beginning, none of the higher order Gods had said anything to God One about the need to create light. As a result, God One stumbled around in the dark for a long time after creating the universe. After stubbing his toe on one too many large asteroids, God One, with indignant wrath, bellowed, “God Infinity dammit, let there be light!” And there was light. This greatly relieved God One because he was secretly afraid of the dark and He didn’t want to let the higher order Gods know about his fear.

Some of the higher order Gods are incurable practical jokers. They said unto God One that he would have to separate the light from the dark and the dry land from the water. This concerned God One greatly as he had no idea how to perform said separation. But when he created the light, he found that it naturally separated from the dark. And when he created the water and the dry land he found that they too separated naturally. The higher order Gods guffawed in a godly way at the surprise that God One registered as a result of this discovery.

After considerable trial and error, God One created all of the plants and animals of the Earth. And he said unto his creations, all except the rabbits, “Be fruitful and multiply.” He did not need to speak that advice unto the rabbits as they took to it naturally. For some unknown reason, the other species had to be told.

And after practicing on the creation of other creatures, God One made a garden to house what would be his most complex and exasperating species yet. And he called this garden Eden because he couldn’t trust his creations to come up with a fitting name for the garden on their own.

And into the Garden of Eden God One caused a river to flow because Eden would have dried into a desert in no time without a river flowing through it. In addition, God One thought that a river would make the place more charming and, therefore, increase the property value. And God One caused this river to split into four branches because four was His lucky number and He was unearthly superstitious.

Finally, God One was ready to create what He hoped would be His greatest Creation, humans. However, He later admitted to considerable disappointment over the mess He had made of the species.

Creation of Humans

To begin his new species, God One created Adam, a man. And God One saw that it was wrong for man to exist alone on the Earth lest he spend all of his time masturbating. Worse, he would not be able to perpetuate the species. Therefore, out of a rib of Adam, along with some spare parts that He had left over after creating the other primates, which were almost identical to Adam in their internal anatomy, He created Eve, a woman; Bob, another man; Carol, another woman; Ted, another man; and Alice, another woman.

And the Lord, God One, said unto Adam, Eve, Bob, Carol, Ted and Alice, “Thou can eat from all the fruits and vegetables of the garden, thou can even hunt, kill and cook a few of the more tasty animals, but eat not from the apple tree because I’m saving its fruit to bake a really tasty pie.”

Accept not the word of the heathens who claim that God One stopped with just Adam and Eve and then let nature take its course. Such words are false and a slander upon God One. God One will, in His own sweet time, smite those who speak such slurs against Him. God One abhors incest, so he insisted on creating three couples to start things off. In doing so, He eliminated the need for sibling or Oedipal intercourse.

And in the beginning—the beginning for humans, for the universe had begun a few days earlier, which you would have figured out had you been paying attention—Adam, Eve, Bob, Carol, Ted and Alice were all naked, the husbands and their wives, and they were not ashamed because God One had given them all really hot bodies. What’s more, being naked made sex much more efficient, which made it easier to fulfill God One’s command, “Be fruitful and multiply.” After speaking this command to Adam, Eve, Bob, Carol, Ted and Alice, God One added, “but don’t enjoy it too much,” However, that restriction was accidentally expunged as the Word of the Lord passed from person to person.

All this He did in only six days. And, beginning on the Seventh Day, he took a well-deserved rest because even Gods need a nap after creating all of that crap, particularly the humans, whom He knew would be cretins and pests for as long as He left them free to roam the Earth. And he sanctified the Seventh Day and made it holy because he knew that if he made humans work seven days a week without an official day off he’d never hear the end of the whining and complaining. He didn’t sanctify the few millennia after the Seventh Day because he figured his people didn’t need another excuse to slack off all of the time.

Unfortunately, God One did not make it perfectly clear which day was, indeed, the Sabbath. Consequently, his creations would, for all time, fight and kill each other over whether Friday, Saturday or Sunday was sanctified as the Sabbath.

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