And one year after God One last visited Abraham, Sarah, who recently became a nonagenarian, gave birth to a boy. God One, ever the socially responsible God, felt it was proper for Him to drop by and pay his respects to the newborn and his parents. After breaking bread with Abraham and Sarah, oohing and ahhing over the baby, and making “goo-goo, gaa-gaa” baby sounds unto the baby, God One became bored and cast his eyes toward Sodom and Gomorrah. Because He had really, really great eyesight, He had no difficulty seeing what was going on in those distant towns.
“Holy crap,” sayeth the Lord. “Those are evil, evil people. How the hell long have they been like that. Never mind, I shall destroy them as punishment for their wickedness.”
And Abraham drew near, and said, “Wilt thou also destroy the righteous with the wicked? Peradventure there be fifty righteous within the city: wilt thou also destroy and not spare the place for the fifty righteous that are therein?”
And the Lord said, “If I find in Sodom fifty righteous within the city, then I will spare all the place for their sakes.”
And Abraham bargained unto God One, “Behold now, I have taken upon me to speak unto the Lord, and I am but dust and ash and less than a speck of nothingness in Your eyes. Yet, peradventure there shall lack five of the fifty righteous: wilt thou destroy all the city for lack of five?”
And God One said, “If I find there forty and five, I will not destroy it.”
And Abraham, ever the tough negotiator, haggled further unto the Lord, “Peradventure there shall be forty found there?
And God One said, “I will not do it for forty’s sake.”
And Abraham said unto Him, “Oh let not the Lord be angry, You are so great and am but a worm and Your humble servant, but I will speak: Peradventure there shall thirty be found there?”
And God One said, “I will not do it, if I find thirty there.”
And Abraham, more than a little nervous at this point lest he might royally piss off God one, hesitantly said, “Behold now, I have taken upon me to speak unto the Lord, so I’ve come this far, pray that I may speak further: Peradventure there shall be twenty found there?”
And God One said, “I will not destroy it for twenty’s sake.”
And Abraham, emboldened by the total lack of lightning bolts, said, “Oh let not the Lord be angry, and I will speak yet but this once: Peradventure ten shall be found there?”
And God One said, “I will not destroy it for ten’s sake, but that’s my final offer! Take it or leave it.”
And the Lord went his way, as soon as he had left communing with Abraham: and Abraham returned unto his place.
The Angels Come to Sodom. (Spoiler: It’s Not About Baseball.)
And verily after a short while there came two angels to Sodom because God One insisted that his angels travel in pairs when they visited the rougher parts of the universe; and Lot, a Sodomite, sat in the gate of Sodom because he liked to sit. And Lot seeing the angels rose up to meet them; and he bowed himself with his face toward the ground; and Lot tried to look up their skirts but they caught him and he looked away without catching sight of anything good.
And Lot, said unto the angels, “Come in, rest your feet, have a bite to eat.”
And the angels responded unto Lot, “No. We wouldn’t want to be a bother. We’ll just lie down out here in the street and go hungry. Don’t worry about us. Really. We’re used to suffering. It’s our lot in life, if you’ll pardon the pun.”
And Lot said unto the angels, “What bother? Come in. Eat. It’s the least I can do for a couple of angels like you.”
After considerable faux arguing, the angels, who had totally forgotten about trying to see if there were at least ten righteous people so that Sodom might be spared, went in and broke bread with Lot. And they ate a few pieces of the bread they broke. Small talk ensued. Once the chitchat started to die down, one of the angels said, “Oh, by the way, we almost forgot to tell you. Sodom and Gomorrah will be destroyed in the most hideous way. There will be a hell of a lot of fire and brimstone and all of those grotesque things that God One likes to throw at Earth when He’s angry. For some reason that we don’t understand, God One has decided to spare you and your family. So gather up your kin and flee with no delay. Oh, and one more thing, whatever you do, don’t look back.”
And Lot asked of the angels, “Why shouldn’t I and my family look back? Sodom has been our home all of these years. It’s only natural that we would want to take a last look. What’s the worst that could happen?”
And one of the angels replied, “I’m not supposed to tell you this, but let me give you a hint: Salt is bad for your blood pressure.”
So Lot and his family fled Sodom. But Lot’s wife was an awful gossip and she wanted an exciting story to tell all of the yentas in her new town when she got there, so she looked back on what was befalling her beloved Sodom. And, upon looking back, Lot’s wife instantly became a pillar of salt.
Seeing what had happened to his wife, Lot stopped, lifted his head to the heavens (being very careful to not look back toward Sodom in the process) and cried out a wretched, mournful, piercing cry, “Oh Lord, God One, what hath Thou wrought?!!! You have cast my beloved wife into a pillar of salt! Oh, woe is me!! Couldn’t you have thrown in a little pepper? Maybe a few herbs? I hear the food is tasteless where we’re going.”
Not hearing an answer from God One, Lot and his family gathered as much salt as they could carry and continued on their journey.
And that night, after settling in an encampment in the mountains, Lot’s daughters wished to console their father. Immediately, they new what to do. “I know,” sayeth the older daughter to the younger daughter, “let’s have sex with Dad and take his seed into us that we might carry forth his line.” That’s what they did. And they all slept peacefully, because that’s the sort of family they were.
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