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InfiniGenesis: Chapter 11

God One Closes Some Wombs

God One Closes Some Wombs

Yea, verily, did God One’s plot line jump around a bit here because He believed that to be a godly literary form. Suffice it for now to say that some wombs are closed in this chapter. Confused? You should be. But, first a few introductory paragraphs to get you caught up. Then, you’ll probably still be confused. God One can’t help that your brain can’t cope with this stuff.

InfiniGenesis here continues with the story of Abraham who, if you will remember, told the Pharaoh of Egypt that Sarah was Abraham’s sister, not his wife. (Actually, Abraham and Sarah were in the witness protection program and living under assumed names, Abram and Sar’ai, at the time. But that would have confused the story so God One left it out of InfiniGenesis.)

Well, Abraham did it again with Abimelech. Abraham’s hope was that Abimelech, like the Pharaoh, thinking that Sarah was unmarried, would merely rape Sarah, which was not a terrible outcome in Abraham’s or God One’s mind, rather than killing Abraham to make Sarah a widow and, therefore, a more acceptable candidate for rape. Abraham’s truly awesome plan worked. And Abimelech came into Sarah, allegedly against Sarah’s will.

But then Abimelech learned the truth about Abraham and Sarah’s matrimonial bond. And Abimelech learned that God One favored Abraham. And Abimelech said unto himself, “Oh, crap. This isn’t going to be good.”

Abimelech gave Sarah back to Abraham. And he threw in some sheep, oxen and servants to compensate Abraham for the use of his wife. And Abimelech awaited his punishment from God One. But it wasn’t as bad as Abimelech thought.

Closing of the Wombs

God One merely closed up the wombs of the women of the household of Abimelech. Thus, verily, was Abimelech able to have his way with all of his women without worrying about having any more little brats running around the house. And hence Abimelech came to love God One greatly for His gift

And the Lord visited Sarah and, despite both her and Abraham being old farts beyond belief, He did as He had promised and made Sarah pregnant with Abraham’s child. All who heard of this wonder thought it was a really amazing thing for a Third-Party to be able to do that before the invention of in vitro fertilization or even artificial insemination.

And Sarah, seeing that she was pregnant despite being as ancient as ancient can be, and not believing that hers was not one of the wombs that was closed, laughed. She laughed and laughed and laughed. It was not laughter of joy, but of hysteria. And Sarah needed to be heavily sedated.

Sarah, remembering Abraham’s son of Hagar, nagged Abraham to send Hagar and her son away lest Hagar’s son should become Abraham’s heir.

Distraught over the thought of casting out Hagar and his son by her, Abraham sought the advice of God One. And God One said onto him, “Trust Me. Do what Sarah asks. Otherwise, you’ll never hear the end of it.”

Abraham did what God One suggested and he cast out Hagar and his son by her. And Abraham was happy to have God One’s advice on this matter because then Abraham could blame Him if there was any trouble over the expulsion.

Abraham was so thankful for God One’s advice and for the child that he bore of Sarah despite Sarah being an exceptionally old hag that he planted a grove of trees as an offering to God One. And God One said onto Abraham, “A grove of trees? You planted a grove of trees? I could have easily created them myself; no sweat. You couldn’t offer me some virgins? We’re running short of virgins in heaven. But, no you’ve got to plant me some trees. A fat lot of good that will do me.”

And God One feigned for some time to be much dissatisfied with Abraham because of his laughably inadequate gift. And finally, when Abraham was convinced that God One was massively pissed off with him, God One said unto Abraham, “I’ll tell you what you can do to make it up to Me. Make a burnt offering of Isaac, your son.”

Hey, Abraham, It’s Only Your Son

Abraham, thinking it a bad idea to disobey an omnipotent being, even if He did see to be a bit off the wall at times, prepared to do what God One asked of him. Abraham built a pyre and laid Isaac upon it

Just as Abraham was about to plunge a knife into his son’s chest, an angel of God One appeared before Abraham because God One was busy at the time. And the angel said unto Abraham, “Abraham, you’re such a putz. Do you really think God One would go to all of the trouble of creating a son for you in your beyond-golden years only to have you kill him? You’re so gullible. Don’t be such an idiot. Don’t you know when you’re being kidded? You’re being kidded. I tell you what, see that ram over there? Make a burnt offering of that. It’ll come in handy. We’re having a barbecue up in heaven.”

Abraham rammed his knife into the ram and burned it as the angel asked. Abraham and Isaac then went to have a few beers and dwell in Beer-sheba. And Abraham’s son, and Abraham’s brothers, and Abraham’s son’s and Abraham’s brothers’ wives and concubines were fruitful and they multiplied because they enjoyed that sort of thing.

Over the years, there was a whole lot more taking of women with open wombs and begetting of children. And, amongst all that taking and begetting, first Sarah and then, years later, Abraham died, but not before taking a new wife and doing some more begetting, because, well, these things happen.

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