And it came to pass that Isaac, Abraham’s son, had the hots big time for Rebecca, the daughter of Bethuel the Syrian of Padan-aram, the sister to Laban the Syrian. Isaac married Rebecca and he went in onto her, but not necessarily in that order. But Isaac must have had Abraham’s seed genes, because his boys did not swim unto Rebecca.’s egg. And Rebecca was barren for a long time. But then the Lord, God One, gave Isaac’s seed a push, causing Rebecca to conceive not one, but two sons. And it was blessing upon Isaac for he knew that he could slough off most of the dual-child parenting chores onto Rebecca.
And the carrying of two fetuses was uncomfortable for Rebecca. And Rebecca asked of God One, “Why am I thus?”
And God One said unto Rebecca, “What am I, your obstetrician? How the hell should I know why you’re having so much trouble with your pregancy? What I will tell you is that two nations are in thy womb, and two manner of people shall be separated from thy bowels; and the one people shall be stronger than the other people; and the elder shall serve the younger.”
Rebecca didn’t much like the sound of nations in her womb, and she was particularly disgusted by the thought of two manner of people being separated from her bowels — she didn’t like anything other than excrement being separated from her bowels — but he was God One, after all, so she accepted his words, crazy though they be.
After the normal amount of time, Rebecca bore her twins. The first they called Essau and the second Jacob.
And Isaac loved Essau best for he was the first-born and therefore worthy of all. Whereas the second-born, not so much.
And Rebbeca loved Jacob best because she was funny that way.
And Essau and Jacob grew. And Essau became both a good hunter and a good farmer, while Jacob spent his time in tents doing God One knows what. One day Jacob was boiling some stew when Essau came in from the fields, famished after a hard day’s work. Near fainting, Essau asked Jacob for some of the stew so that he might nourish himself. Jacob, being the loving brother that he was, offered Essau a little stew in exchange for Essau’s enormous birthright. Essau, being a boy of great braun, but not fully charged in the brain department, agreed. And Jacob, because he was feeling generous, threw in some bread and drink with the stew, despite that not being part of the original deal.
And after that, things progressed much as one would expect of God One’s chosen people. There was a famine in the land, but that didn’t stop them from continuing with their prodigious begetting activities.
Isaac Grows Old
And as these things tend to happen, Isaac eventually grew old and his eyesight failed him. In his final days he called to Essau, his favorite son, and said unto him, “Behold now, I am old, I know not the day of my death, but I’m not buying any green bananas. Now therefore take, I pray thee, thy weapons, thy quiver and thy bow, and go out to the field, and take me some venison. And make me savoury meat, such as I love, and bring it to me, that I may eat; because if I’m going to die I don’t want to do it on an empty stomach.”
And Rebecca heard what Isaac told their first-born son. And Rebecca called Jacob, her favorite, and said unto him, “We’ll fix that brother of yours. You bring to your father what he wants. With his eyesight, there’s no way he’s going to know it’s you and not your brother. After all these years, I’ve learned one thing, the way to your father’s heart is through his stomach. Once he’s sated and happy he’ll give you his kingdom, such as it is, and your brother will get nothing.”
And Jacob said unto his mother, “But Essau is a hairy bastard, whereas I’m quite a girly man in that regard. Dad’s next to blind. He might feel me to make contact with me. If he does, he’ll know that I’m a deceiver.”
And Rebecca sighed and said unto her second-born, “Yes, you are a girly man, but you’re also an idiot. Take some fur from the kid of a goat. Glue it onto your hands. The old man won’t know the difference.”
And Jacob did as his mother told him. Isaac was fooled and blessed his son Jacob. And, thinking Jacob was Essau, Isaac bequethed to Jacob all of his worldly goods and rights and some of the unworldly ones too.
And a few minutes later, the real Essau came in. And when Isaac realized that he had been tricked by Jacob, he said unto Essau, “Oops. Sorry about that. Well, there’s nothing that can be done about it now.” And that was that.
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