And Jacob’s father, Isaac, told him to go forth to Padan-aram and take a wife. So, Jacob went forth to take a wife even though he would have been perfectly content to continue screwing around with the local women and maybe one day even marry a few of them and take a few others as concubines.
And on his journey he stopped in the open land one night because he was too cheap to spring for a hotel. And he took of the stones of that place and put them for his pillows, because he wasn’t bright enough to figure out that piles of leaves or moss would make much more comfortable pillows than stones. And he lay down in that place to sleep.
Jacob Dreams of A Ladder. The Excitement Builds!
And as Jacob slept, he dreamed. And, behold, a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven. And, behold, the angels of God ascending and descending on it. And, behold, the Lord stood above it, and said, “I am the Lord God One of Abraham thy father — I mean thy grandfather, I always get thy relations confused — and the God One of Isaac, whom I’m pretty sure is thy father. The land whereon thou liest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed. And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth, and thou shalt spread abroad to the west, and to the east, and to the north, and to the south. And in thee and in thy seed shall all the families of the earth be blessed. And, behold, I am with thee, and will keep thee in all places whither thou goest, and will bring thee again into this land; for I will not leave thee, until I have done that which I have spoken to thee of.”
And Jacob awoke out of his sleep. And he said to no one in particular, as was his custom, “Surely the Lord God One is in this place; and I knew it not.” And immediately he knew exactly what God One meant when he, in Jacob’s dream, said unto Jacob, “And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth, and thou shalt spread abroad to the west, and to the east, and to the north, and to the south.” However, the rest of the crap that God One spoke unto Jacob in his dream was pure gibberish as far as Jacob was concerned.
Jacob knew that what God One meant by this was that Jacob was to go forth hither and yon throughout the land and have sex with women of all ages, races and creeds everywhere such that he might sew his seed in them. And this he would have immediately done with great enthusiasm, but life got in the way, as it sometimes does.
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