Jacob followed his father’s wishes and went to Padan-aram to visit his Uncle Laban, brother of Jacob’s mother, to take one of his uncle’s daughters as his wife.
Yes, you heard Me, sayeth God One. Jacob set out to marry his cousin, because that’s the sort of guy I made him.
And Laban had two daughters. Leah, the elder, had, as people used to say at the time, a good personality, but was rather plain. Rachel, the younger, on the other hand, was really hot stuff. Jacob lusted after her right away. Then again, so did all the other guys. Laban, ever the loving father, recognized Rachel’s popularity and he was determined to maximize the value he could extract from his ownership of his daughter.
And when Jacob asked Laban for Rachel’s hand, not to mention the rest of her body, Laban agreed to turn his daughter over to Jacob as his wife, but only if Jacob would first work for Laban for seven years. Jacob’s lust for her was so strong that he agreed.
And Jacob’s hots for her made the seven years fly by, agonizing though the wait may have been. But on the wedding day, Laban substituted Leah for Rachel. The lighting at the wedding and in the bedroom afterward must have been really bad, or Jacob’s eyesight must not have been as good as he thought it was, because he did not notice the difference. And Jacob came in unto Leah to consumate the marriage.
And in the morning, when Jacob saw that he had been cheated, Jacob said unto Laban, “What the heck hath thou done?” But not quite in those words.
And Jacob insisted that he wanted Rachel as his wife. But, he did he not plan to give up Leah, as she turned out to be great in bed. He wanted them both as wives.
And Laban said onto Jacob, “Sure kid, take both your cousins as wives, what the heck do I care? They’re only women. But first, you have to give me another seven years’ work before you can take Rachel.”
And Jacob worked another seven years for Laban. And Laban gave Rachel to Jacob as his second wife.
Jacob Biblically Knows Three Wives Simultaneously: Rachel, Laban and Bilhah
And Jacob schtupped both Leah and Rachel frequently. As it turns out, Rachel, the beautiful one, was barren, but Leah, the somewhat homely one, put rabbits to shame with her reproductive abilities.
And Rachel envied her sister for bearing Jacob so many children — and sons, no less. Rachel said unto Jacob, “Make me pregnant or I shall die.”
And Jacob tried his damndest to make her pregnant, but he failed. Because of this failure, Rachel said unto Jacob, take my maid, Bilhah, as your wife in addition to Leah and me, that Bilhah might bare you a son in my stead.
And Jacob said unto Rachel, “Hot damn!!” He did as she said and took Bilhah as yet another wife. Jacob came in unto Bilhah and she bore him a son. This was good enough for Rachel and she did not die.
And Leah, seeing what Rachel had done for their husband, and thinking that she needed to do something to at least equal that gesture, said unto Jacob, “Take my maid, Zilpah, as yet another wife that she might bear you yet more children, because who knows how far you have to go to obey God One’s command to be fruitful and multiply?”
And Jacob said unto Leah, “Holy crap. This keeps getting better and better!!” Jacob took Zilpah as still another wife. Jacob went in unto Zilphah and she bore him yet another son.
Rachel was satisfied enough with Bilhah baring Jacob a son in her stead that she did not die, but she was disconsolate over her barreness, nonetheless. And God One looked down on her and said, “Sorry about that. I forgot to open your womb. I don’t know how that happened. They usually open without any help from me. I’ll fix that right away.” And He did. And Rachel bore Jacob another son.
And by this time Jacob had enough sons to make a whole baseball team, and more, all on their own. And Jacob said unto God One, “If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, would you mind inventing major league baseball now so I can put these kids to work and have them earn some really big bucks?” But God One refused because his great plan did not call for baseball to be invented for many millenia.
|←Chapter 13||Chapter 15→|