The daughter of Leah and Jacob, Dinah, who spent much of her time in the kitchen with someone, got out of the kitchen because she couldn’t stand the heat. After leaving, she went to visit the women of the village because she enjoyed the company of major-league yentas from time to time. But in the village, before she had a chance to join the yenta session that was already in progress, Shechem, the son of Hamor the Hivite, the prince of the land, saw Dinah. It was lust at first sight. Shechem seized Dinah and lay with her and humbled her.
When Jacob and his sons heard what Shechem had done to Dinah — who, in case you haven’t been following the story carefully, was their daughter and sister, respectively — they cried out, “Humbled? What do you mean humbled? She was already a humble girl — far too humble if you ask us! How could she be humbled?”
A busybody from the town then raised his eyes to the heavens, slapped his forehead and said, “You know, he knew her in the biblical sense; he went on into her; he made the beast with two backs with her; he schtupped her. You know, he screwed her brains out.”
Upon finally understanding, which required that the busybody also make a circle of his fingers on one hand and and then motion the index finger of his other hand in and out of the circle, Jacob and his sons were furious.
Hamor, father of Shechem, went to Jacob to try to make peace with him. And Jacob and his sons feigned to listen to Hamor tell Shechem’s side of the story.
Hamor said unto Jacob and his sons, “My boy, Shechem, doesn’t just have the hots for Dinah, he loves her. Sure, he raped her, but he wants to marry her.”
Jacob said unto Hamor, “Schtupping is one thing, but we couldn’t possibly allow Dinah to marry someone who doesn’t bare the mark of our covenant with our Lord, God One. Before Shechem can marry Dinah, you, Shechem, all of the male members of your family and, in fact, all of the males in your whole town must be circumcised. Here are some rusty razor blades. Get to it.”
Hamor loved his son and he knew that Shechem loved Dinah. Plus, he wanted to suck up to Jacob and his sons because they were rumored to have a nasty temper. So Hamor circumcised. himself in front of Jacob and his sons. It was, to say the least, not the most pleasant experience he had ever had. It was not even the hundredth most pleasant. But Hamor got some vindictive pleasure out of it because he knew that his member, even after circumcision, was much bigger than Jacob’s member and Jacob’s sons’ members, so whipping it out in front of them made them feel inadequate.
Hamor went back to town and told Shechem the condition that he would have to fulfill before he could marry Dinah. And Shechem’s love for Dinah knew no bounds, so he too circumcised. himself.
Then Hamor and Shechem told the other males in their family what they would have to do to their members in order that Shechem may marry Dinah. And they, loving Hamor and Shechem greatly, said unto Hamor and Shechem, “Are you out of your freaking minds? No bloody way — and we do mean bloody — will we ever carve up our penises. Sorry. Now, buzz off.”
Bondage and Circumcision
Upon hearing this, Hamor and Shechem, ever the civil libertarians, bound the other male members of their family with ropes and forcibly removed their foreskins. Then Hamor and Shechem did the same to the other males in the town.
When all of the men in the town were circumcised. and their wounds healed, Jacob’s sons came to the town and they said unto Hamor and Shechem, “You didn’t really think that we would accept that as sufficient punishment for Shechem humbling our sister, did you?” And with that they slew all of the males in the town, took their wives to have their way with them, took their children to raise as their own and slave in the fields, and plundered the town of all of its possessions.
While this was going on, God One sat up in heaven with a God-sized bowl of popcorn watching the show, pleased because he rarely saw any good entertainment these days and this was the sort of fare he enjoyed immensely.
As it happens, at that moment, God Two, blessed be She, Creator of God One, was also looking in on God One’s universe. She saw what Jacob’s sons had done. Unlike God One, God Two deplores violence and She was not at all amused by what She saw. God Two muttered under Her breath, “Whatever happened to the punishment fitting the crime?” At least, She thought She was muttering it under hear breath. However, She said it loud enough that a nomad on Earth in God One’s universe heard Her words.
The nomad started a new religion based on the hearing of those words. And the nomad preached the gospel of God Two’s Words far and wide.
Disciples followed the nomad. And the disciples spread the religion farther.
And the religion of God Two’s Words flourished for many hundreds of years. It continued to grow until the end of the Dark Ages, when people started to value knowledge and wisdom again. Then the religion of God Two’s Words faded away and was never practiced again.
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