After Jacob’s sons finished slaying and plundering with wild abandon, God One appeared before Jacob. And God One said unto Jacob, “I was watching your boys. Thank them for me. I can’t remember when I’ve ever had such an enjoyable time at the theater. Unfortunately, God Two, My creator, was watching too. She doesn’t have quite the appreciation of blood sports that I do. In fact, She was godly pissed off. I’ve never seen Her that angry. God Two rarely interferes in My universe or harms my creations. In fact, She’s usually a pacifist (go figure), but I wouldn’t want to cross Her. To be on the safe side, I’m going to put you into My witness protection program.
“You and your family will leave this town. You will change your name from Jacob to Israel. And, I have an idea: let your sideburns grow. That may fool God Two. I’d tell you to get some Groucho glasses, but nobody will know what I’m talking about for a few thousand years, so never mind.”
Jacob gave God One a disappointed look. And God One said unto Jacob, “Don’t be such a kvetch. So you’ll change your name. It’s not such a big deal. People do it all the time. And Israel is a great name. They’ll name a country after you one day. And, mark my words, the people of that country and its neighbors shall live in peace forever.
“And, I tell you what, I’ll give a name to the tribes that shall be formed by your descendents. I’ll call them Jews. Everyone will love the Jews. Trust me. Except, don’t ask me to explain, but if you ever hear the word ‘Nazi,’ run. Run like hell.”
Jacob did as God One said because he had learned to not get on God One’s bad side.
Israel, nee Jacob, produced many sons by many wives. And Israel’s sons produced many sons. And their sons produced many sons. And their sons produced many sons. And so on. And so on
Fortunately, God One, not wanting to bore his readers to death, wisely chose to not write here the names of all of the sons of sons of sons, and so on.
There were also a bunch of daughters produced among the generations but, because they were only girls, God One thought they were worth only a passing mention.
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