Joseph — you remember Joseph, Israel’s, nee Jacob’s son whose brothers sold him to the Ish’maelites for 20 shekels — was taken to Egypt, where Pot’i-phar, an officer of Pharaoh, the captain of the guard, an Egyptian, bought him. Joseph served Pot’i-phar.
Pot’i-phar knew that God One was with Joseph because whenever Joseph and Pot’i-phar played poker, Joseph held four aces in every hand. Sometimes he had five aces, which made Pot’i-phar suspicious of Joseph. Nonetheless, in the end, Pot’i-phar attributed Joseph’s luck to God One because, what other explanation could there be?
Joseph became rich, but he continued to serve Pot’i-phar because Pot’i-phar was Joseph’s owner. Besides, Joseph was saving up so he could afford a comfortable retirement, maybe in a retirement village down south.
After a time, his master’s wife cast her eyes upon Joseph, and said, “Lie with me.” But Joseph replied, “No, for your husband is captain of the guard of Pharaoh, so he’s probably got a lot of weapons. I have a very strict rule against schtupping wives of men who have a lot of weapons. Besides, God One probably wouldn’t like it, you being married and all.”
Although she spoke to Joseph day after day, he would not listen to her, to lie with her or to be with her, which made her wonder if the rumors she had heard about Joseph were true.
But one day, when Joseph went into the house to do his work and none of the men of the house was there, she caught him by his garment, saying, “Lie with me.” But he left his garment in her hand, and fled and got out of the house. (Without his garment, Joseph was naked, but streaking was commonplace in Egypt in Joseph’s time.)
Seeing that she had Joseph’s garment in her hands and worrying that someone might figure out the truth and tell her husband that she was trying to get some nookie off of Joseph, she told the men of the house, “See, my husband brought among us a Hebrew to insult us; he came in to me to lie with me, and I cried out with a loud voice; and when he heard that I lifted up my voice and cried, he left his garment with me, and fled and got out of the house.”
Listening to her, it was clear that it hadn’t taken long for God One to forget his promise to Israel, nee Jacob, that everyone would love the Jews.
Upon hearing his wife’s story, Pot’i-phar had Joseph thrown in jail because trying, but failing to schtup someone’s wife was a serious crime in Egypt. And a trial, or even evidence, was optional if you wanted to get a conviction.
Sometime after this, Pharaoh was angry with two of his officers, the chief butler and the chief baker, for the baker had burnt his buns and the butler had brought them to him anyway. And Pharaoh had the butler and baker thrown in the same jail as Joseph, because making Pharaoh upset was a serious crime in Egypt. And Joseph served these two officers in jail because he heard they were big tippers. When the officers were to be released from the jail, Joseph asked them to remember him to Pharaoh if they had the chance.
The servants told Pharaoh about Joseph and Pharaoh let Joseph out of jail and had him over to the house for tea. There, Pharaoh told Joseph of a dream Pharaoh had. Joseph interpreted it in a way that pleased Pharaoh. To show his appreciation, Pharaoh gave Joseph some shiny jewelry and a beautiful gown. Joseph always loved shiny jewelry and beautiful gowns, so he put them on. Pharaoh also gave Joseph a priest’s daughter to take as a wife. That didn’t thrill Joseph quite as much, but he didn’t want to insult Pharaoh, so he took the priest’s daughter.
Famine, asks Pharaoh? Go See Joseph.
Soon there was a lengthy famine in the land. And the Egyptians went to Pharaoh and said, “Feed us, for we are famished.” Pharaoh had not any crops, but Joseph, who was blessed by God One, had plenty. So Pharaoh told his people, “Go to Joseph. What he says, do, for the Lord is with him. Just don’t play poker with him.”
Joseph opened his storehouses to the Egyptians and they rewarded him.
There was also famine in the land of Jacob, who had gone back to using his original name when he was with his family because he was getting old and having trouble remembering the name Israel. Hearing that there was food in Egypt, he sent his sons with sacks of money to try to buy some. Joseph’s brothers came to him and he recognized them, but they did not recognize Joseph.
Wanting to get his brothers back for what they had done, he told them, “You must be spies. All outsiders are spies, right? I tell you what. You told me your youngest brother is at home with your father. One of you stay here, the rest of you can go back with the grain you bought from me. Then, send your youngest brother. If he comes, I’ll believe you are not spies.”
The brothers did not understand the logic of that proof of their not being spies, but it didn’t matter, for Joseph was their youngest brother. How could they send Joseph to Joseph, although they knew not that Joseph was Joseph? It was too Zen-like a question for them to answer.
On the way back, the brothers said, “Well, there’s another fine mess we’ve gotten ourselves into. Now what are we going to do?”
When they got home, they found that not only did they have bags of grain, but Joseph had also replaced the money in their sacks. On seeing that, Jacob said unto his sons, “Hot damn, you’re good negotiators!” But then Jacob learned the full extent of the deal. He despaired that not only had he lost Joseph, but now Simeon, the brother left behind, would surely die too.
There was a lot of back and forth travel by the brothers between Jacob’s house and Egypt, a lot of bargaining with Joseph, a lot of begetting and a lot of dying, but all of that was excruciatingly tedious so God One chose not to chronicle it here.
Long story short, eventually the truth came out. Israel — who had gone back to calling himself by his assumed name because that was the pseudonym he used when he left the house, so as to not be recognized by God Two, who still held a grudge against him — went to visit Joseph. And they lived happily ever after until Israel died. Israel was embalmed and his body was put on display at the base of a water slide in a theme park dedicated to him.