And Adam knew Eve, his wife. And after he got to know her he had sex with her. Free from the natural contraceptive that permeated the air in the Garden of Eden, Eve begot a son, Cain. And Adam said unto Eve, “Holy crap, how the hell did that happen? Did you see that? A little person just pushed out of that hole that God sliced in your middle region. How cool is that? Can you do that again? Only, next time, do you think you could do it without screaming so much and so loudly? That was really annoying.”
Clearly, God One had not had the sex talk with his Creations.
Adam and Eve never did figure out where Cain came from, but they enjoyed the sex so they did it again. And Eve begot another son, Abel.
“Oh my God,” said Adam unto Eve. “You did it again! That’s freaking amazing! You don’t think it has anything to do with my sticking my thing into you, do you? Nah, that’s ridiculous. Never mind.
Cain and Abel grew up and invented sibling rivalry. The rivalry got a tad out of hand and Cain slew Abel.
And God One said unto Cain. “I haven’t seen your brother in a while. Do you know where he is? He owes me some fruit of the ground that he promised me as an offering.”
Cain shuffled his feet upon the ground, he looked left, right, up and down, and he said unto the Lord, “Um, uh, how should I know? What do I look like, my brother’s keeper? He’s probably out having sex with the sheep. He does that a lot. Couldn’t you have given us some girls around here?”
God One mustered his sternest look — stern looks were always his strong suit — and He said unto Cain, “Who the gosh darn heck do you think you’re talking to, young man? I am the Lord. I see all. I know all. And I can make a to-die-for Heavenly Hash ice cream.”
And Cain responded, “Then why did you have to ask?”
And God One said, “Good point, but never mind that. Thou art a murderer. I don’t believe in capital punishment, but from now on any crops you plant won’t grow. And don’t think you can go doing any of that hunting and gathering nonsense. I don’t abide by that hogwash. No, ye shall be a vagabond for the rest of your days. Either that our you will open a chain of taco restaurants that will go bankrupt as a result of massive lawsuits filed after a serious case of E. coli poisoning. So, it’s either vagabond or taco purveyor. I can’t decide. No, wait, you’re going to be a vagabond. Definitely a vagabond. Now, be gone with you.”
The Murderer Begot Too
Despite making Cain a fugitive, God One allowed him to get married, settle down and beget a son, Enoch.
And Enoch begat Irad; and Irad begat Mehujael; and Mehujael begat Methusael; and Methusael begat Lamech; and … well, to make an exceptionally long, boring story short, but still boring, there was a whole lot of begetting going on. In fact, they were begetting like you wouldn’t believe. This created a lot of friction at family gatherings as those gatherings were enormous and most of family didn’t get along.
Not only did Adam and Eve and their offspring screw like there would be no tomorrow and begot like crazy, but God One forgot that he had Created Bob, Carol, Ted and Alice along with Adam and Eve. While no one was looking, Bob, Carole, Ted and Alice, and, in time, their descendents, were screwing their brains out and they too were begetting like nobody’s business, without anyone bothering to record who begot who. As luck would have it, Bob, Carole, Ted, Alice and their descendents begat a preponderance of females. That was fortunate because Adam, Even and their descendents were begetting almost exclusively males. Without the female descendents of Bob, Carole, Ted and Alice, Adam and Eves’ male descendents wouldn’t have been able to find wives to do their begetting with. In which case, the story would have ended there and Charleton Heston would have missed out on a really big movie role. Then again, the NRA would have been without a high-profile spokesman, which would have greatly pleased God One.
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