And it came to pass, that there were a whole bunch of men and women on the Earth, one of whom was a kvetch named Noah. And the men lusted after the women. And the women lusted after the men. And the men and women did more than just lust in their hearts. They screwed like crazy. Noah wasn’t getting as much as he wanted, but that can happen to kvetches sometimes. Or most of the time.
There were giants in the earth in those days. And many of the women were screwing around as much as possible with the men with giant penises. And the men with smaller penises cursed the Lord.
And God One saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth. Not only were people humping all over the place, all of the time, and not necessarily in wedlock, but some people were also smiting without waiting for God One to tell them to do so.
And God One saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth and that most of the thoughts of men were evil. The women weren’t much better, but women were God One’s favorite, so He was more inclined to forgive them. God One began to think that creating humans might have been one of the stupider things He had ever done and He began to regret it.
When God One Gets Angry, Man Does He Get Angry.
And God One said, “I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for I repenteth for having made them.”
But God One then did something irrational and, well, idiotic. He didn’t destroy all men, beasts and creeping things and start fresh with pure and innocent species. Instead, he decided to spare pairs of each species and have them repopulate the Earth. Thus, the Earth would again be filled with the same stupid species as had already proven themselves to be so prone to evil.
And God One said onto Noah, the person whom He believed to be the least evil of His creations, “The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence; and, behold, I will destroy the evil-doers with the earth, but you’ve won the lottery. You are to be spared.
“Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and thou shalt pitch it within and without with pitch. If you have any pitch leftover when you’re done, feel free to pitch it. I’ll clean up after you.
“And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits. I’m too lazy to translate that into metric measurements for you. Figure it out yourself.
“A window shalt thou make to the ark, and in a cubit shalt thou finish it above; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; with lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it.
“And, behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die. I thought about smiting everything with lightning bolts, but creating lightning consumes a lot of energy and wears me out. Rain is easier, so rain it is.
Noah’s Ark and a Covenant, but not the Ark of the Covenant.
“But with thee will I establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons’ wives with thee. And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female. Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive. And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them.”
And Noah replied to God One, “Lord I know you are great, but are you out of your frigging mind? Do you know how long it will take me and my sons to build an ark of that size? I hope you’re not planning on creating the flood for at least a dozen years.”
God One commanded Noah, “Get your neighbors to help. They owe you big time for raping your goats.”
“Oh yeah, that’s going to work,” said Noah. “Definitely. They’re going to ask me, ‘Why are you building such a big ark?’ And me, being an honest person will have to answer, ‘To save myself from the flood that God One is going to create to destroy all of you.’ Yeah, they’ll respond well to that. You betcha.”
“Did I detect a bit of sarcasm there?” asked God One. “Don’t worry, I’m omnipotent. I’ll force them to help you.”
“OK,” said Noah, “but they better also help me with collecting two of every species too because that’s going to be one hell of a job. And do we really have to bring the creeping things on board? I hate the creeping things. They give me the willies.”
“Yes, even the creeping things. I don’t want to discriminate,” said God One.
“Well, if you insist,” said Noah. “About the food? There’s no way I’m going to be able to gather enough food to feed all of the animals, my family and myself, not to mention storing it all onboard the ark.”
God One’s brilliant ark plan hit a few snags.
“So, you won’t eat as much,” said an increasingly exasperated God One. “Stop whining. It will be good for you. I’ve noticed you’re putting on a bit of a paunch. And to help you out, take seven of all of the clean beasts, that will leave you five to slaughter and eat while you’re on the ark.”
“Fine,” said Noah. “That takes care of the input, but what about the output? Those animals — not to mention me and my family — are going to create a lot of shit. Who’s going to clean all of that up.”
“I guess you’re going to have your work cut out for you,” replied God One.
“When you say all of the animals, do you really mean all?” asked Noah. “There are some animals that don’t roam by our village. I’ve heard rumors that you’ve created something called dinosaurs. I’ve never seen any, but I’m told that some of them can be enormous and a few are ferocious carnivores. How am I going to fit them on the ark and prevent them from eating the rest of the animals, not to mention me and my family? The dinosaurs can eat my airhead daughter-in-law as far as I’m concerned, but I’m kind of fond of the rest of my family.”
The Death of the Dinosaurs
“Hmm,” said God One. “I hadn’t thought of that. Alright, I’ll kill off the dinosaurs so you won’t have to take any with you.”
“Good plan,” said Noah. “Hey … I have an idea. Do you want to have some fun? Why don’t you bury some of the dinosaurs in a way that makes it look like they died off millions of years ago. It’ll be a real hoot for you to see how people in the future try to explain that.”
“Thanks,” cried God One. “Great idea! My life is kind of dull. I could use a good laugh.”
“Just one more thing,” said Noah. “I presume you’ll want us to repopulate the earth after the flood has subsided. That’s going to require some incest. Is that OK?”
“Jeez,” said God One. “I guess I hadn’t thought this through, but I’ve got a solution. It may be repulsive for you, but, as far as I’m concerned, screwing between cousins is acceptable. Your sons’ children can screw their cousins to their hearts’ content. Problem solved.”
And, with the conversation complete, Noah, his sons and their duped-neighbors proceeded to build the ark.
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