And God One made it rain for forty days and forty nights. And the waters prevailed for one hundred and fifty days lest any of the people and beasts that God One wanted to smite could tread water for as long as one hundred and forty-nine days. After one hundred and fifty days, God One felt he was safe and nothing would be left alive on Earth, but the creatures on the ark and the fishes and a few mammals, such as whales and dolphins, that swim in the sea. God One had wanted to kill those swimming things too, but it hadn’t occured to Him that they wouldn’t drown along with everything else.
As the waters began to subside, Noah’s ark came to rest on the mountains of Ararat. And Noah thought to himself, but did not speak aloud, “Oh great, another one of God One’s screw ups. Now all these damned animals, my family and I are going to have to climb all the way down this freaking mountain after we finally get off this floating crap can! Couldn’t the Bastard put us down in a nice valley somewhere? Maybe with a five-star hotel nearby. Would that have been so difficult for His Omnipotentness? But, no, he had to land us on top of a stupid mountain. Thank you so very freaking much.”
And God One said, “I heard that! Stop you damned whining. You’re lucky to be alive.”
The Rain Waters Subside
After forty more days, Noah sent out a raven to see if the land had dried sufficiently. When the raven came back because there was no place dry for it to rest, Noah knew that it was not yet safe to leave the ark unless he was wearing his water wings. On the next mission to check for dry land Noah sent out a dove because the crow crapped on Noah’s head when it returned and Noah didn’t want to give it a chance to do the same thing again.
And the dove came back and brought back an olive leaf. Noah was suspicious and thought it was another of God One’s tricks because, he thought, “how could a fresh olive leaf grow that quickly after all of the olive trees had been submerged for a couple hundred days?” Nonetheless, Noah was so eager to get off the seafaring, faeces-laden, vomit-inducing zoo that God One ridiculously referred to as an ark, that he accepted the dove’s gift of the olive branch as a sign that the waters had abated from the Earth.
And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year, in the first month, and the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth: and Noah removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and, behold, the face of the ground was dry. And in the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, was the earth dried. Noah didn’t understand the difference between the earth being dry and the face of the ground being dry, but God One was always talking dribble like that, so Noah usually ignored Him.
Noah would have declared that, henceforth, the ground-face-drying day and/or the earth-drying day should be declared a holiday, but he was a little confused as to which calendar God One was using, so he dropped the idea.
And God One spake unto Noah, saying, “Go forth of the ark, thou, and thy wife, and thy sons, and thy sons’ wives with thee. Bring forth with thee every living thing that is with thee, of all flesh, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth; that they may breed abundantly in the earth, and be fruitful, and multiply upon the earth.
Noah, his family and the animals were thrilled with God One’s command to breed abundantly and they obeyed it with great enthusiasm and wild abandon.
And Noah was so thrilled to be out of the ark and screwing like crazy that he planted a vineyard, made wine, drank copious quantities of the wine and got pissed out of his head. In his drunkeness, Noah laid down uncovered in his tent. Noah’s sons saw their father’s nakedness and covered him with a garment because Noah, like all men, was made in God One’s image and that was not a pretty sight.
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