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InfiniGenesis: Chapter 6

Abraham makes an appearance in the Bible. No, not that Abraham.

Abraham makes an appearance in the Bible. No, not that Abraham.

After Noah came a whole host of generations that didn’t amount to much, so God One, in His infinite wisdom, decided to not waste a lot of time naming them here in the Book of InfiniGenesis in The Good Book.

With all of the begetting going on, there were a whole mess load of people in the world. And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech. Some people swore a lot more than others, but it was mostly one speech

And the people began to build a tower to heaven.

And God One said onto himself, “Jeez, I really mucked up that brain thing, didn’t I? How the hell do those idiots I created think they’ll build a tower to heaven. They know dick-all about architecture. It will topple over before they get to the tenth floor. And they’re not going to invent elevators for thousands of years. What do they think? Are they planning to climb all the way? Idiots! Complete idiots! I’ve really got to put a lot more thought into creating a brain when I build the next version.”

To punish the people for the lunacy that He had created in them, God One confounded their language, that they may not understand one another’s speech. And He scattered them abroad from thence upon the face of all the earth: and they left off to build the city. Therefore is the name of it called Babel; because God One did there confound the language of all the earth: and from thence did God One scatter them abroad upon the face of all the earth.

And then there was a whole bunch of other generations begat upon the earth. And, again, most of the people were of no consequence whatsoever.

Along Came Abraham

However, eventually someone of some consequence, Abraham, was born.

God One said unto Abraham, “Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father’s house, unto a land that I will show thee. Your passport is up-to-date, isn’t it? If not, you’d better take care of that right away because I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee, and make thy name great; and thou shalt be a blessing. And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed. But if you eat pork or shellfish I’ll smite you. I hate it when people eat pork or shellfish. Don’t ask me why, but they give me the willies.”

God One paused, apparently trying to remember something, and then He continued, “Oh yes, I almost forgot. You’re going to found a new religion, Judaism. You and your kindred and them that bless thee will become Jewish because nobody would ever dare to persecute Jews. Trust me on that one. Have I ever lied to you before?”

And Lot, Abraham’s nephew went with him. Lot was reluctant to go because he ran a used camel lot and Lot was loath to leave his lot, but such was is lot in life and it was, after all, the word of the Lord, God One. Or, at least, Abraham said it was the word of God One, but Lot wondered if Abraham was just jealous of Lot’s lot’s success and wanted to separate him from his used camel business.

Abraham correctly worried that Pharoah would have the hots for Sarah.

Abraham correctly worried
that Pharoah would have
the hots for Sarah.

Abraham and his crew wandered into the land of Egypt, which was not such a good idea. There was a famine in Egypt and, despite never having met any, the Egyptians instinctively had it in for Jews. And, yea, verily there was another problem. Abraham looked upon his wife, Sarah, and said onto her, “Whoa! I never noticed it before, but you’re one hot babe. And that dress you’re wearing, whatever possessed you to wear that today? It is not the most practical thing for slogging through the dessert and its going to drive these Arabs wild.The pharoah here is going to take one look at you and he’ll want to ravish you. That’s not so bad, but kill me to have you. I have an idea. Save me by saying you’re my sister, not my wife. You’ll probably be raped, but at least I’ll be OK.”

And Sarah did as her husband commanded.

The Pharaoh Develops the Hots for Sarah

And Abraham was right. The pharoah took one look at Sarah, whistled and cat-called, “Yo, mama, you’re going to be my number one harem bitch. That’s for sure.”

And Abraham made out like a bandit. Pharoah, thinking that Sarah was Abraham’s sister, and Pharoah not being as mean a dude as he made out, gave Abraham sheep, and oxen, and he-asses, and menservants, and maidservants, and she-asses, and camels as compensation for taking his sister.

As to giving Sarah compensation for being taken, the Pharoah thought that being taken into his harem was more than compensation enough. Yea, vanity was upon Pharoah.

God One Gets Angry. Like That Never Happens.

God One looked upon the situation and was pissed. He was pissed big time. And God One plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues for having taken Abraham’s wife, Sarah. He had thought of plaguing Pharoah with cold sores, but He thought that plaguing with plagues would be more likely to get Pharoah’s attention and it would make for a more exciting story when it was recited. God One was big on drama and violence, particularly violence.

And Pharaoh called to Abram, and said, “What is this that thou hast done unto me? Why the hell didst thou not tell me that hot babe was thy wife and not your damned sister? And worse, why the hell didn’t you tell me you’re tight with God One? I don’t give a shit about you and I’d sooner crush you than look at you, but I don’t want to mess with the big guy. (By the way, I think he has a thing for your wife. He hasn’t punished me when I took other men’s wives. I’d watch that God of yours. I’m just saying.) Now, therefore behold thy wife, take her, and go thy way.

And Pharaoh commanded his men concerning him: and they sent him away, and his wife, and all that he had.

And Abram went up out of Egypt, he, and his wife, and all that he had, and Lot with him, into the south. And Abraham was very rich in cattle, in silver, and in gold. And nobody is quite certain, but it’s rumored that he also made off with the towels and the silverware from where Pharoah put him up while he was in Egypt.

Lot chose for himself a nice place in the plains of Jordan, while Abraham dwelled in the land of Canaan. And God One said onto Abraham, “Don’t think so small, putz. Lift up now thine eyes, and look from the place where thou art northward, and southward, and eastward, and westward. For all the land which thou seest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed for ever. And I will make thy seed as the dust of the earth so that if a man can number the dust of the earth, then shall thy seed also be numbered. And, just to be clear, when I say ‘seed’ I’m talking literally about the stuff to grow food crops, not your sperm. Now, arise, walk through the land in the length of it and in the breadth of it; for I will give it unto thee.”

And after being granted all of that land by God One, Abraham moved onto his land and built an altar to God One because Abraham thought it was the least he could do to thank God One for expropriating the land from the people living on it, without compensation, and giving it to Abraham.

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