And it came to pass in the days of Amraphel king of Shinar, Arioch king of Ellasar, Chedorlaomer king of Elam, and Tidal king of nations that these made war with Bera king of Sodom, and with Birsha king of Gomorrah, Shinab king of Admah, and Shemeber king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela, which is Zoar. But it didn’t end there. Oh no, not at all. There was a whole bunch of fighting and smiting happening from that point on. Like that never happened under the eyes of God One before. Yeah, right. He couldn’t get enough of this stuff.
And they took all the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah, and all their victuals, and went their way. And they took Lot, Abraham’s brother’s son, who dwelt in Sodom, and his goods, and departed.
And there came one that had escaped, and told Abraham the Hebrew; for he dwelt in the plain of Mamre the Amorite, brother of Eschol, and brother of Aner: and these were confederate with Abraham.
And when Abraham and his confederates were told of the kidnapping of Lot they, almost as one, responded, “That putz? They took Lot? Are they complete idiots? I wouldn’t give you two cents for Lot. Now, his wife, she’s a pillar of the community and a real babe to boot.”
Nevertheless, Abraham felt some inexplicable need to rescue Lot because he was family and, regrettably, he had no choice of who his family members were. Abraham never understood why he felt that way considering that his brother never picked up a check in a restaurant in his life. Be that as it may, Abraham gathered together an army comprised of his servants, who received a promise of an extra helping of gruel at dinner in payment for their service as warriors; the members of his household, who went along to protect their places in Abraham’s will; and the village idiot, who could always be counted to follow you anywhere if you promise him a shiny object upon your return.
Abraham and His Army: A Whole Lot of Smiting Going On
Abraham and his army went to unto Hobah, which is on the left hand of Damascus. There, rather than just rescue Lot and a lot of the goods of Sodom, Abraham and his ad hoc army smote all of the kidnappers and thieves because Abraham knew how fond God One was of smiting.
Abraham’s victory could have come only from God One, as neither Abraham, nor his servants, nor his family, nor the village idiot could, fight their way out of a papyrus bag, even when combined into a single fighting force. Yet, Abraham, always the kvetch, was still not happy.
Abraham said to God One, “you giveth me all of this stuff — and don’t get me wrong, I love stuff — but thou have not given me boys that can swim.”
And God One replied unto Abraham, “Boys that can swim? You don’t have any kids, so of course you don’t have boys who can swim. Now you’re just talking gibberish. I gave you a language. Stop being such a fool and use it. I can read your mind, yet I still haven’t a clue as to what you’re getting at.”
“You know,” said Abraham in answer, “my sperm. They’re useless. I keep firing blanks. My seed has not taken in my wife or any of the other babes I’ve schtupped. Without a son, who the hell’s going to take all of this stuff when I’m gone?”
God One’s Promise to Abraham
And God One said onto Abraham, “You want kids? Are you out of your freaking mind? They smell, they demand attention, they need to be fed, and they’ll do drugs and rebel against you when they become teenagers … you wouldn’t like them. Trust me. Oh wait, I forgot. You’ll make your women take care of them. Well, that’s OK then. I’ll make your seed swim like crazy if that’s what you want.
“And I’ll make a promise unto you, because that’s the sort of God I am. Unto thy seed have I given this land, from the river of Egypt unto the great river, the river Euphrates: The Kenites, and the Kenizzites, and the Kadmonites, and the Hittites, and the Perizzites, and the Rephaims, and the Amorites, and the Canaanites, and the Girgashites, the Jebusites, and the Nebbishites. They aren’t going to like it, so you and your kinfolk might have to do a whole bunch of smiting, but that’s the price you pay to own a great neighborhood.”
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