After hearing God One’s covenant to give him some heirs, Abraham screwed his wife, Sarah, until the cows came home. Because he did not have any cows that could come home, Sarah and Abraham screwed constantly.
And still Sarah bare Abraham no children. Yet, Sarah had an handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar. And Sarah said unto Abraham, Behold now, the Lord, God One, hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarah. He hearkened like nobody’s business.
And Abraham said unto himself, “Am I the luckiest son of a bitch on Earth or what? I have my wife’s permission to go in unto her hot babe of a maid. I mean, I’ve been doing it for years now, but I had to sneak around. And I had to use protection so Hagar wouldn’t get pregnant, which really killed the spontaneity and deadened the pleasure.”
And Sarah, Abraham’s wife took Hagar, her maid, the Egyptian, after Abraham had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abraham to be his wife.
And upon gaining permission from Sarah and abandoning the use of protection, Abraham’s seed made Hagar ripe with child after the very next going into her by Abraham.
Hagar Gets Pregnant. Sarah Gets Jealous.
Sarah saw that Hagar was with child and became jealous.
Sarah spoke unto Abraham of her jealousy. And Abraham replied unto Sarah, “Hagar is your maid. I’m done with her. You do with her as you please.”
Sarah dealt harshly with Hagar, bitch-slapping her with righteous abandon. And Hagar fled from that place.
As these things tend to happen, in nine months time Hagar gave birth to Abraham’s son. And Hagar began to fret about how she, who, for all Abraham cared, might as well have been a single mom, would take care of the child. And, seeing her dread, God One, said unto Hagar, “Fear not, for I shall provide for you and your little brat. You shalt name thy son Ishmael, which is rather cool because then he’ll get a major role in a novel called Moby Dick that won’t be written for many millennia. But let Abraham think that the name Ishmael was his choice. Men like that sort of macho nonsense. It’s a fault that I’ll fix when I create the next version of humans.”
And God One continued speaking unto Hagar because He liked to hear his own voice, “Oh, I almost forgot to mention: Ishmael is going to be a real handful. He will be a wild man; his hand will be against every man, and every man’s hand against him. I will make him thus because watching smiting is the only entertainment I get and there hasn’t been nearly enough of it lately.”
Abraham was 86 years old when Hagar bore him a son, Ishmael. Upon learning of the existence of the fruit of his loins, Abraham said unto God One, “What the hell do I need a son for now? I mean, honestly, do I really need this at my age? I’m 86. I should be enjoying my retirement . Instead I’m going to have to listen to this screaming kid and put up with his rebelliousness as he gets older. Is this the best you could do for me in my ‘golden’ years?”
Despite, or maybe because Abraham lamented the lateness in life of his fatherhood, God One had an even bigger surprise in store for Abraham, but that’s a story for the next chapter.
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