And almost 13 years after God One gave to Abraham an heir, Ishmael, by his second wife, Hagar, who was also his first wife’s maid, God One appeared again to Abraham.
God One asked unto Abraham, “so, how’s it going?”
And Abraham answereth, “Great. Just great. I’ve got a spoiled brat of a wild child for a son. He’s not quite a teenager, yet and he’s already hungering to do a whole lot of smiting and going onto women without their permission. So, yeah, just wonderful; just freaking wonderful.”
And God One responded unto Abraham, “Yeah, sorry about that, but you wouldn’t appreciate me if you didn’t have to work for my love, now would yo?. But that’s not what I wanted to you about. Do you remember that covenant I made with you a while back?”
A look of dismay spreadeth across Abraham’s face. “Do I remember? What the hell do you think I’ve been talking about? You promised to give me a son. Well, that worked out really well, now didn’t it. I’m 99 years old. How I came to be 99 years old I’ll never know. I should have been dead years ago. But now, an old and decrepit man, I’ve got a wild demon of an almost-teenager. I don’t imagine you’d want to take him back, would you? I mean, I thought the covenant was great at the time, I really did, but now… not so much.”
And God One spoke unto Abraham again, “I have good news for you and I have bad news for you. The good news is that I’m not going to strike you down with lightning or curse you with plagues for your impertinence. The bad news is that, if you remember correctly, that wasn’t quite the covenant I made with you. I promised you a child by your first wife, Sarah. Ishmael came out of Hagar. I know. I was watching both the conception and the birth. By the way, remind me one day to give you some pointers on that conception thing. You could be doing that a whole lot better.”
And Abraham said unto the Lord, “Thanks, but no thanks. I’m 99. My sex life has slowed down somewhat, to say the least. I’m lucky to get lucky on my birthday. Besides, at this point, I wouldn’t have the strength for more rigorous sex. And, as to that covenant thing, I forgive you. If that kid by Hagar was anything to go by, children aren’t my thing.”
“No, no, no,” sayeth the Lord. “A covenant is a covenant. When I make a covenant I fulfill it, even if it’s the last thing I do. I promised you a child by Sarah and thou shalt have a child by Sarah.”
“With all due respect, Lord,” replieth Abraham, “you have one of the ten biggest brains in the universe — maybe even in the top five — but are you out of your freaking mind? Sarah is 90. Her ovaries dried up decades go. What’s more, she can barely walk these days, let alone give birth. Her boobs sag down practically to the ground these days. I don’t want to think about what they’d be like lactating. Trust me, this isn’t a good idea.”
“No,” droneth on God One, “I’m omnipotent. I can make it happen. I will make it happen because that’s the kind of God I am. And, while I’m at it, I’m going to give to Ishmael, that rotten brat of a son of yours, 12 sons such that he can start his own nation. That should keep him busy. And I shall make your future son by Sarah fruitful too. And he too shall multiply into a great nation. But the nations of your heirs must be branded as my chosen people. Each male child of your successor generations shall be circumcised.”
God One Invents Circumcision. Go Figure.
“Circumcised?” asketh Abraham.
And God One responded unto Abraham, “Oh yeah, I forgot. I just made that up. Circumcision is the removal of the foreskin off the penis using a knife, preferably a sharp knife. That way, guys in locker rooms and women about to get laid shalt recognize you as the chosen ones.”
Abraham, a liberated man before his time, queried unto the Lord, “What about the girls? Aren’t they to be branded with circumcision as one of your chosen people too?”
“Oh yeah,” sayeth God One. “I forgot about the females. Well, never mind. Don’t bother circumcising the girls. Women are going to have enough trouble in your society. There’s no need to make things worse by mucking around down there on there bodies. Besides, the chosen women shall be known by the way they use guilt to instill family values rather than by circumcisions. They shall be good at that.
“One more thing, Ishmael, that little hellion of yours, he too must be circumcised. At his age, that’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt like hell. So, if Ishmael doesn’t already hate you, he will; big time. Sorry about that. It can’t be helped.
“Oh yeah, I keep forgetting things, don’t I? I forgot to mention that you have a circumcision too before you schtup Sarah again in order to create the son I promised you. However, at your age, I don’t imagine that you have much feeling down there, so I wouldn’t worry about it.”
Following the word of the Lord, Ishmael and Abraham were circumcised. And, because he didn’t see why he and Ishmael should be the only ones to suffer, Abraham ordered that circumcisions be performed on all of the menservants of his household as well, which didn’t sit well with the menservants’ union.
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