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The Book of Schmendrick: Chapter 1

God One's Slingshot

God One’s Slingshot

There lived in the town of Dibbick a pious man named Schmendrick. Schmendrick had not taken unto himself a wife, neither had he abused himself. Hence, he was a very frustrated follower of the Lord, God One.

And one day Schmendrick came upon a rock that glowed red as if burning with intense heat. The rock neither melted nor split, but it emitted a great heat.

As Schmendrick approached the rock in wonderment, a booming voice, which could be only of God One, issued forth from the sacred rock. And the voice spoke unto Schmendrick saying, “Touch thy hand upon the rock, though it burns it will not destroy you.

And Schmendrick moved his and toward the rock. And as his hand approached the rock Schmendrick writhed in pain and let out a piercing shriek that would have awakened the dead Pharoahs who had not yet even been born.

And Schmendrick said unto God One, “Why hast thou misled and foresaken me?”

And God One said unto Schmendrick, “I said unto you that the burning rock will not destroy you, I said nothing about it not causing you searing pain. Stop being such a baby. Now that I have proven that you are a complete idiot, but unsparingly loyal to me, I have a mission for you to complete for me.”

Schmendrick Gets Even More Worried Than Usual

And Schmendrick thought, but did not speak, “Oh shit, this isn’t going to be good.”

And God One sayeth unto Schmendrick, “I can read minds you know. Now be quiet. Here is your mission. In the town of Nebbish, which is one day’s march hence, lives a wicked people. They curse, they swear, they gamble, they drinketh of fermented grapes and they fornicate like nobody’s business. In short, they have one hell of a lot more fun than you do and, in fact, way more fun than is to my liking. You must go to Nebbish and smite all of the children and all of the adult males. Of the women, you shall select from among them as many wives as you choose. The rest of the women you shall slay.”

And Schmendrick said unto God One, “You are the Lord, the only of the infinity of Lords that I worship, but why me? Besides, wicked though they are, those hardly sound like capital offenses. And, like I said, why me? You’re God One, what is an impossible task for me, you could perform with but one of your pinky fingers, without breaking a sweat. You do have a pinky finger, don’t you? Is that it? Is that why you can’t do it yourself? You don’t have a pinky finger? Oh man, God One doesn’t have a pinky finger. Who would have thought?”

And God One sayeth in a most infuriated of voices, “Shut up you blathering idiot! You have a lot of smiting to do and I want it done quickly. Now, get going.”

“But,” asked Schmendrick, “how am I, widely recognized as a weak nincompoop, to slay all of a town but the women I take onto myself as wives? Oh, by the way, I don’t think I mentioned that I like the part about choosing from among all of the women to take unto me as wives. Thanks, God One.”

God One Provides a Slingshot

Schmendrick is shocked by the sudden appearance of God One’s Slingshot.

God One's Slingshot

God One’s Slingshot

And so sayeth the Lord, God One, “You either aren’t listening or I made you even stupider than I thought I had. Did I not tell you that they like to get drunk and screw all the time? Thou shalt take with you a slingshot. Thou shalt pick up rocks when you reach Nebbish. While the Nebishites are drunk or screwing their heads off and, therefore, oblivious to your presence you shall smite them with your slingshot, one by one.

And Schmendrick asked, “a slingshot?”

And God One spoketh, “Jeez, I should have created you with more brains—or at least some brains. That would have made you a nusiance, as you would have used your brain to question My existence, but at least I wouldn’t have to explain everything to you. OK, a slingshot. First, you find a forked stick. Don’t ask me where to find one. Just look. They’re quite common on trees because that’s how branches form. Then you take the forked stick and … oh hell, never mind. Here.”

The instant the word “here” was pronounced a perfectly constructed slingshot appeared at Schmendrick’s feet.

Schmendrick was so startled that he instinctively kicked the slingshot, which hit the burning rock and was consumed in the flames.

And God One sayeth, “What a freaking jerk! Here.”

And another slingshot appeared at Schmendrick’s feet. This time, Schmendrick picked up the slingshot and began his journey to Nebbish, hoping that he would figure out on the way how to use the strange device that God One had called slingshot.

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