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The Book of Schmendrick: Chapter 3

With time to kill, Schmendrick takes a tour of the Town of Nebbish before doing God One's smiting.

With time to kill, Schmendrick takes a tour of the Town of Nebbish before doing God One’s smiting.

Schmendrick arrived in the Sodomite Inn in Nebbish just as they were getting ready to close the kitchen after the breakfast crowd left. The proprietor at first refused to keep the kitchen open, but Schmendrick name-dropped, mentioning that he knew God One personally and saying that God One had specifically recommended the breakfast special.

Being a heathen, the proprietor laughed at Schmendrick, but he decided that he should serve Schmendrick breakfast just in case. His philosophy was, better safe than sorry because you could never really be sure that in invisible, omnipotent being didn’t exist, ridiculous though it seemed to him. Besides, he had recently acquired slaves to work in his kitchen and, being slaves, he didn’t have to pay them overtime or benefits

Schmendrick ate heartily of his breakfast at the Sodomite Inn and, having received special dispensation from God One, devoured the bacon as a singular treat. Upon finishing, Schmendrick paid his bill and left an exceptionally large tip because he figured that he could recover it after he smote the proprietor.

Schmendrick Takes a Tour of the Town of Nebbish

Schmendrick knew not when the Nebbishites would begin their drinking and fornicating and, in doing so, become oblivious to him, so he decided to wander around, take in the sites and begin mentally undressing and selecting the women he would take unto himself as his wives. Of course, if he waited until the fornicating started he would not have to mentally undress them as the Nebbishites were not ashamed of their fornicated. They got naked and went to it right out in public.

He began his tour of the town of Nebbish with the tourist attraction that all of the guidebooks said that no one should miss: The giant phallic symbol in the town square. The symbol was carved out of the wood of a rare rubber tree. Schmendrick agreed that it was massive and impressive, but the wood was old and it was a hot day. Schmendrick thought that the phallic symbol was somewhat more flacid than he would have liked it to be. He decided that it did not deserve the five stars that the guide book gave it. Schmendrick thought it was worth four and a half stars, at most.

Next, he went to the Museum of Harlots Through History. Schemdrick was afraid that it would be crowded and he wouldn’t be able to get close to the displays. However, the museum was surprisingly empty considering its subject matter. Schmendrick spent considerable time in there. He particularly appreciated the lifelike, hands-on, interactive exhibits. He was tempted by the live harlots in the gift shop on the way out of the museum, but he knew what God One had in store for him, so he decided to conserve his energy for when he took and went in onto the most voluptous women of the town, as God One had promised him he could.

Schmendrick ended his tour at the famed shrine to God Three, the only such shrine in the world according to its local boosters. This was ironic because, unbeknownst to Schmendrick, God One had had a falling out with God Three a great many years ago. Despite what it says in InfiniGenesis, God Three was the one who killed off the dinosaurs. God One had worked very hard at creating the dinosaurs. He loved and was proud of them and He was furious when God Three sent them into extinction.

God One told Noah that ridiculous story about the dinosaurs only because He was embarassed that another God had gotten the better of him. God One did not want to tell any of his creations the truth lest they think less of Him, but God One had never forgiven God Three. It was because the Nebbishites built a shrine to God Three that God One wanted everyone in Nebbish killed, except for the women whom He had promised to Schmendrick to entice him to do the job. Revenge, not punishment for wickedness, was God One’s motive.

After leaving the shrine to God Three, Schmendrick noticed that the streets of Nebbish were now thoroughly littered with empty wine, beer and liquor bottles. And the people of Nebbish were screwing their brains out right there on the sidewalks, obvlivious to all around them.

Schmendrick knew it was time to fulfill God One’s commandment.

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