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The Book of Schmendrick: Chapter 4

When Schmendrick saw that the Nebbishites were stinking drunk and screwing with wild abandon, he knew it was time to begin to fulfill God One’s command. It was time to start smiting all of the Nebbishites except those voluptuous women — married or not because, even if they were then married, they would soon be widowed by Schmendrick’s hand — whom he desired to take for himself. Hence, Schmendrick took from his pocket the slingshot that God One gave him. But he needed some guidance.

He stared at the slingshot. He shifted it from hand to hand. He held it with the forks up. He held it with the forks down. He stared at it in each position. He held it over his head. He held it down near his knees. And after completing this self-prescribed ritual, he realized that he did not have the slightest of ideas as to how to use the slingshot to smite anyone.

Schmendrick, forgot that God One occasionally listened to him and answered his pleas. Consequently, it never occurred to him that it might have been an idea to call out to God One to ask. for guidance. Instead, he sat down on the ground and began to cry like a baby. He had tried this tactic many times in the past upon encountering an seemingly unsolvable problem. It had never worked for him before, but he figured it was worth another try.

Surprisingly, it worked this time.

God 937, who created God 936, but Who did not create a universe of His own, has a lot more time on His hands than the other Gods. He doesn’t have a universe to tend to and He doesn’t have any corporeal creations who are constantly bugging Him with prayers, pleas and praise. Instead, He spends His time peeping into other Gods’ universes.

Coincidentally, God 937 was checking out the action in God One’s universe just as Schmendrick began his crying fit after having become exasperated over not being able to figure out how to use the slingshot. God 937 took pity on Schmendrick, which was an odd emotion for God 937. Normally, He mocked people who were suffering. God 937 made a mental note to talk to his therapist about this change in His psyche.

Guidance: God 937 explains slingshots

Guidance: God 937 explains slingshots

Smiting Guidance: God 937 Lends a Hand

Out of his pity for Schmendrick, God 937 did his best God One impression and called out to Schmendrick in a booming voice, “Pick up a stone. Put it against the stretchy band that is tied between the two branches of the slingshot’s stick. With the stone in the stretchy part, pull back on the stretchy part as hard as you can. When you feel that you can’t pull it back any farther, let go.”

God 937 lamented that God One probably would have been more succinct, but he was pleased with His God One impersonation nonetheless.

Schmendrick did almost as the booming, disembodied voice told him to do. Fortunately, he ignored the “pull as hard as you can” part. Because the booming voice hadn’t told him otherwise, Instead of holding the slingshot away from his body and pulling the stretchy part toward him, he did the reverse. The stone hit him in the chest. Had he done what God 937 told him to do and pulled as hard as he could, he surely would have died. Fortunately, he experimented with a weak pull and suffered only a painful bruise.

Schmendrick realized immediately what he had done wrong. The next time, he pulled the stretchy part and the stone slightly downward so the stone would fly over his head rather than hitting him. However, because God One had not chosen to give him eyes in the back of his head, he could not hit anything using this method except by pure luck. And he wasn’t getting lucky. That would come later.

Then he tried angling his pull somewhat so the stone would fire past his right side. Then he tried firing it past his left side. But he had no more luck at seeing the target he was trying to hit with either of these methods than he had with his over-the-head technique.

At this point, Schmendrick could have sworn he heard a less booming, but still disembodied voice sigh, “What a putz!”

The voice was, of course, that of God 937, who grew tired of watching the bumbling Schmendrick. After sighing, God 937 left and headed for a heavenly bordello in another God’s universe.

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