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The Book of Schmendrick: Chapter 5

Eventually, Schmendrick figured out that the trick with slingshots was to hold it in an outstretched arm and then pull the stretchy part, with a stone mounted in it, back toward you before letting go. With this knowledge, he began firing at the Nebbishites to fulfill God One’s command to smite the males and take some of the females as rewards.

Unfortunately, because Schmendrick had no experience firing a slingshot, his aim was not true. On his first non-practice shot, he hit and killed a dog. This greatly annoyed God One as He considered dogs to be one of His greatest creations and His best earthly friend. To punish Schmendrick for what he had done to the dog, God One commanded that, henceforth, neither Schmendrick nor any of his descendants were allowed to eat the meat of a dog.

His next four shots resulted in Schmendrick’s tribe no longer being allowed to eat the meat of lizards, cats, snakes or camels.

With his fifth shot, he accidentally killed one of the buxom beauties that he had intended to take for his own and go into. As punishment for the fifth faux pas, the men — and women — of Schmendrick’s tribe were no longer allowed to perform oral sex on women. However, this commandment was widely ignored and quickly forgotten.

Schmendrick’s aim with his slingshot left a lot to be desired..

Schmendrick Learns to Smite Effectively

Smite the males? At first Schmendrick is aimless.

Smite the males? At first Schmendrick is aimless.

Eventually, Schmendrick got the hang of it and became a very good slingshot sharp-shooter. He slew men, children and homely women in rapid succession, rarely missing a shot. In fact, he became so good at fulfilling God One’s command to smite the men that some historians would later write that the town was smitten. Readers of those historians’ works would groan and use their books as kindling.

Before the sun had set he finished slaying the whole town, except for the 60 beautiful, curvaceous woman whom he spared, to be taken as his wives and/or concubines. Fortunately, God One had sent him to do this deed on the summer solstice, the longest day of the year. God One knew Schmendrick well and realized that he would need all of the time he could get.

Schmendrick gathered together the 60 women and bade them to return to his town, Dibbick, with him. They all agreed willing because there was no one else left from whom they could get their requisite amount of nookie.

The women weren’t entirely without hesitation. They looked at Schmendrick and figured there was no way in hell that he would be able to satisfy more than, at most, two of them, let alone all 60. But they figured that they could employ their voluptuousness to seduce the other men of Schmendrick’s town, so their hesitation was short-lived.

Schmendrick and the women spent the night in Nebbish but, because of his exhaustion after all of his smiting, and because of the stench of death in Nebbish, Schmendrick did not go into any of the women that night. What’s more, Schmendrick thought that God One might have a law against screwing a woman on the same day and in the same place where you slew her husband. Schmendrick wasn’t sure about that, but he didn’t want to take a chance because he spied some lightning-bearing cumulonimbus clouds overhead.

In the morning, Schmendrick took 71 camels from the town of Nebbish: One for him to ride on back to Dibbick; One for each of the 60 new wives he had acquired to ride on; And ten to cart back the loot that he took from Dibbick.

The women begged him to take four more camels and use them to also cart Nebbish’s town phallic symbol back to Dibbick. However, Schmendrick worried that, when the weather got cooler and the rare rubber tree wood from which the phallic symbol had been carved stiffened up, the phallic symbol might make him feel inadequate. Besides, he feared that the other men of Dibbick would mock him mercilessly when they saw him carrying a giant dildo on four camels. So he left for Dibbick without the phallic symbol.

Schmendrick and his new wives journeyed straight to Dibbick at as fast a pace as the camels would carry them, stopping only to relieve themselves and to grab a delicious bite to eat in a quaint camel path-side cafe. Thanks to their haste, the troupe arrived early that evening in Dibbick, where a great mystery met them.

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