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The End Times

End Times: Let the good times roll — right over us.

End Times: Let the good times roll — right over us.

Infinitians believe that we are living in the end times, although we haven’t the foggiest of ideas as to how long the end times will be. They might last a few a few hours, days, weeks, months, years, millennia, or possibly more. We honestly don’t know. It’s all up to God One. For now, we just live our lives as we’ve always lived them and try to have a modicum of fun in the process because there is no hope of any of us ever coming out of it alive. We are all doomed whether we believe in and worship God One, or any of the other Gods for that matter, or not.

The Apocalypse will not be like what the other religions, which shall remain nameless here, tell you it will be like. The end will be end for only us. It won’t be the end for the Earth as a whole. Nor will it be the end for any other species. Our end will come when God One has finished his research and development and is ready to introduce human 3.0.

Unlike what He did when he replaced other species with new models, when He replaces us, 2.x humans, with the human 3.0 species, he will eradicate all of us older models. In the past, He allowed old species to die off slowly as the replacement species were fruitful and multiplied. This was a sop to His sense of humor. He enjoyed creating conditions that appeared to provide to humans 2.0 with absolute proof of evolution. However, God One realizes repetition diminishes a joke’s ability to amuse, so he won’t go through the effort of foisting the same evolution practical joke on the human 3.0 species.

Other religions tell you that the end will come with great violence wreaked upon the world. Nothing could be further from the truth.

When God One decides He is ready to replace human 2.x with human 3.0, He will set up a great multitude of enticing, open bars around the world, eliminate all inhibitions and strictures against drinking alcohol, declare a global 24×7 happy hour and then wait for us all to drink ourselves to death. Free, heavily salted nuts and pretzels will be supplied copiously to make us more thirsty.

End Times: We’ll Drink to That

To encourage drinking among those people who are usually reluctant to imbibe, God One will run around-the-clock advertising that implies that the way to get beautiful members of the opposite sex (or the same sex if that is your desire) into bed is through drinking alcoholic beverages.

God One will also encourage—and even cause to be initiated—frequent, zealous sex as a means to spread deadly venereal diseases.

In case alcohol poisoning and sexually transmitted diseases don’t kill all of us, God One will offer significant purchase and leasing incentives on new cars and provide ample free parking next to the bars.

Because the Apocalypse will kill us, but not destroy any of our buildings, when God One creates human 3.0 beings, they will simply move into our homes. However, they will probably renovate the kitchens and bathrooms first to give them a more modern look.

All of these conditions will be repeated in God One’s heaven so God One can clear out space for human 3.0 individuals as they die. People who were accepted into another God’s heaven will be spared this end of eternity. Nevertheless, because the other Gods’ heavens were designed for the pleasure of those Gods’ creations, not for the pleasure of God One’s creations, those souls will continue to despise their stays in those heavens, but they will consider themselves lucky because at least their souls get to live on, unlike those so unfortunate as to have been taken up into God One’s heaven.

We know for certain that this will be the course of the end times because in an obscure volume of Infinitian scriptures, Sage Bert wrote: “Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die.” This is an unmistakable description of the Infinitian end-times belief.

There are some who attribute the sentence, “Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die,” to the merging of two passages from the Judeo-Christian Old Testament. But this is clearly wrong as Infinitiaty is the one true religion. What no doubt happened was that the writers of the Old Testament plagiarized Sage Bert. Either that or one of the Gods, possibly even God One Himself, played a practical joke on us and gave the same verse to both a Sage of the one true religion, Infinitiaty, and the writers of the Old Testament simply to sow dissent.

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