Infinitian Religious History
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Mary and Joseph: The First Infinitians

The real Mary and Joseph. The first Infinitians.

The real Mary and Joseph. The first Infinitians.

God One never intended to tell us about His existence or the existence of the infinite number of other Gods. He was going to allow us to blissfully believe that our universe is governed by knowable, if not yet entirely known, laws of physics rather than the implausible supernatural forces of the Gods, as we now know is the case.

We would have continued to be godless, rational beings—creating at most one or a handful of fictional gods as an excuse to avoid thinking about how the universe or universes really work—had some of the other Gods not taken a hand, so to speak.

A long time ago, in the year that a large segment of the comparatively contemporary heathens with only one god have recklessly labeled 3663 BC, on the date that we now call October 25, in the village that would not become the Israelite town of Bethlehem for probably at least another couple millennia, a short and increasingly big-bellied, but otherwise exceptionally nubile young woman named Mary Battrollop decided that she could no longer keep her dreaded secret from her almost-beloved, nerdy-looking, docile husband, Joseph Benshlemiel.

(Mary, being one of the earliest feminists, kept her maiden name. God 234, being a huge fan of run-on sentences, will adore the previous paragraph.)

Mary and Joseph: Expecting the Unexpected

“Joseph,” Mary said, “You know how I’ve been telling you that I was going to lose all of the weight I’ve been putting on over the last few months? Well, in a way, that’s true. I will be dropping some of those pounds, probably over a span of less than 18 hours, about two months from now. Although, ‘dropping’ doesn’t begin to convey how painful it’s going to be.”

Mary swallowed hard and continued. “I’m seven months pregnant. We are going to have a baby.”

At first, Joseph was overjoyed. However, he quickly did a double take.

“Whoa,” exclaimed Joseph. “Wait just one cotton-picking minute, my sweetness light. Seven months ago we were in the midst of a long drought here. Right about that time, I was roughly halfway through shepherding my flock in a faraway, still verdant pasture for four months. You stayed home and I was nowhere near here the whole time. So how the hell did you get pregnant?”

Mary’s face turned blood red despite all of her blood still being on the appropriate side of her skin. A late-October coolness had fallen on the land, but she nonetheless began to sweat profusely from every pore on her voluptuous body. Her heart started pounding an overly fast-paced samba beat (which, through the ages, evolved into the samba music we know today). Her hyperventilation was threatening to spawn tornados. After a few minutes of suffering through her panic attack, she screwed up her courage and told Joseph the truth.

“While you were gone,” she hesitatingly said, “I was raped almost every day, and sometimes a few times a day, by a long series of Gods who had taken on human form.”

Joseph Finds Gods

“Gods?” Joseph asked skeptically. “What are Gods?”

Without flinching, Mary responded, “Gods are omnipotent beings. One of Them created us and the universe, but not in that order. They are normally invisible, but, like I said, they took on human form to have their way with me.”

“OK,” said Joseph suspiciously. “That makes sense, but there’s one thing I still don’t understand. When I came back from my shepherding trip I didn’t see any cuts or bruises on you. I would have noticed and remembered cuts and bruises. You work out a lot and you are really strong. Didn’t you put up a fight against your rapists?”

“Well, there wasn’t any physical force as such involved in making me bend to Their will,” replied Mary defensively. “But, didn’t I just tell you that They are omnipotent? I was powerless to stop them. And, let me tell you, no doesn’t necessarily mean no to a God. It means whatever the hell He or She wants it to mean.”

Joseph breathed a deep sigh of relief. “Can you ever forgive me, Mary? If I hadn’t been blinded by my jealously I would have realized that it had to be something like that. I know that you would never willingly be unfaithful to me.”

Mary smiled. For a moment Joseph imagined that it was a wicked smile, but he quickly realized that it was only his jealousy getting the better of him again. He let it pass.

“So,” Joseph ejaculated, “we’re going to be the parents of a child of a God! How cool is that? I bet the kid is going to be really special and respected in the world. Maybe he or she will even have some superpowers. That would be so great. We could use those powers to get me out of the shepherding business so I can spend more time with you, honey bunch.”

Overcome by immense bliss, Joseph didn’t notice it, but Mary’s voice filled with panic. “Don’t get carried away,” she cautioned. “The Gods occupied human bodies while they were screwing me. It’s the sperm of one of the men they occupied—goodness knows which one—that impregnated me. We are going to have a normal mortal child. So we’ll have no more talk of you quitting shepherding and spending more time at home, thank you very much. You can put that thought right out of your head this instant!”

The Community’s “God-Children”

To maintain his standing in the community—a community that knew Joseph was away for the conception of the child of Mary and Joseph—Joseph told everyone in the village, and everyone in the neighboring villages as well, about Mary’s sexual encounters with Gods. People accepted the news with a smile.

Unwanted thoughts often flashed through Joseph’s mind. After telling the story to the men, and even a few of the women, in his and neighboring villages Joseph sensed that the smiles on many of their faces had a conspiratorial air. These thoughts lasted only long enough for Joseph to curse his wicked suspicious nature.

Lingering doubts about the story told by Mary and Joseph vanished when it was learned that other women’s children were also the product of rapes by a Gods.

Further confirming the story, members of both sexes were occasionally caught in bed with a God. It was often the members of the members of the male sex that were caught in females occupied by Gods. But, because, as they say, it takes two to tango and to have sex, the members of God-occupied males were caught in otherwise unoccupied females just about as often. There were also instances of same-sex couplings of this nature. And, every once in a while, a God occupied a sheep.

Spouses who came home unexpectedly and spied what they thought was an adultery in progress learned the truth of the encounter when they heard their wife or husband scream, “OH, GOD!” at the moment of climax. Because this was something that the aggrieved men and woman had never heard when they had sex with their spouses, they knew that they had had the great honor of witnessing their spouses having sexual intercourse with Gods in human bodies.

As news of the sexual relations with Gods spread, God One realized that He could no longer keep the existence of Him and the other Gods a secret. He then chose the first Sage of Infinitiaty and told him about the infinite number of Gods and Their rules and ways. And thus the religion of Infinitiaty was born and flourished. And it all started with Mary and Joseph.

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