Infinitian Religious History
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The Renaissance

Infinitian Renaissance

Infinitian Renaissance

The Renaissance did not pass Infinitians by. Sometime around August or September of the heathen-labelled year of 1387, several Infinitians inexplicably began to paint and sculpt.

Seeing this burst of creativity, the Church of Infinitiaty decided that it was its duty to leap out in front of the bandwagon. It thus took definitive action to be perceived as having fostered the new artistic movement. Consequently, it became a major benefactor of the arts. It commissioned artists to create religion-themed works that could be used to promote the Church and generate revenue for it.

In return for agreeing to turn their finished masterpieces over to the Church free and clear, the Church paid artists a stipend. This consisted of a thin slice of unintentionally well-aged ham and an almost-generous serving of gruel on each of the first four days that the artists worked on each of their paintings or sculptures. If they took longer than four days to complete their work they could continue to get the gruel ration, but they could no longer get the ham.

In addition, artists were allowed to camp out on the stone floor of their local Infinitian church, provided that they did daily chores at the church and they cleared out of the basement on bingo nights. Some of them served the church as unpaid bingo callers or bingo card and dauber sellers on those nights.

The techniques of Infinitian painters differed from the other Renaissance painters. The Infinitians usually painted on paper, not canvas. In addition, their sparse brush stokes were very long, straight and simple. Some art historians would come to say they bordered on stick-figure quality. On the wrong side of the border.

Infinitian Renaissance artists’ works usually depicted religious scenes, particularly events described in the Infinitian bible, the one true bible. People of other faiths normally shunned such artworks as the subjects held no meaning for them. Exceptions occurred when the art depicted scenes from the Infinitian bible that were identical or at least very similar to scenes in the non-Infinitians’ bibles.

Nevertheless, acceptance of works depicting biblical themes that their alleged bibles shared with the one true bible was not universal. It is sad to note that the more uptight among the people of the Judeo-Christian-based faiths loudly railed against and urged the destruction of any Infinitian art depicting one particularly common Infinitian Renaissance motif. Even though the protesters’ own false bibles shamelessly plagiarized the words from the Infinitian bible, blessed be it, they were outraged at the Infinitian Renaissance artists’ pervasive creation of “indecent” (in the protesters’ opinions) works that were very explicitly based on the vigorous, rapturous fulfillment of God One’s blessed command, “be fruitful and multiply.”

Which Came First, the Infinitian or Non-Infinitian Renaissance?

Some non-Infinitian Renaissance scholars contend that the artists who have come to be commonly known as the Renaissance’s Old Masters predated the Infinitian Renaissance artists. These scholars suggest that Infinitians artists merely got the idea to paint and sculpt from those whom had gone before them.

Infinitian Renaissance scholars contend that it was the other way around. They claim that, upon seeing the Infinitians’ Renaissance art, the people who have since come to be known as the Old Masters were moved to proclaim, “I could do way better than that! Hell, my cat could do better than that by a long shot,” or words to that effect.

Having made that claim, pride forced them to back their words with deeds. The result, it is said, was the great Renaissance artwork we know and love today. There is no record, however, of any of the Old Masters ever having put a brush or chisel in the paws of their cats to hold up the feline part of the boast.

Infinitian scholars also believe that, despite lacking significant artistic merit, the works of Infinitian Renaissance artists inspired some of the works of the Old Masters. For example, in 1498 an Infinitian painter, whose name has been lost to history, was commissioned to paint the men’s room ceiling in the Rome-based outlet of the Holy Church of God 69. This was of the first, or possibly even the first, church franchise to be bought after the Church of Infinitiaty introduced its franchise model of operation.

The manager of the Holy Church of God 69 of Rome expected the painter to paint the men’s room ceiling white, without any adornment. Instead, she used her almost-talent to paint what could be somewhat recognized as a sky with a few clouds. The painter also painted a giant hand below one of one of those clouds. The pointer finger of that hand was outstretched. The finger almost, but not quite touched a chicken-salad sandwich lying on the painted ground.

Inspiration for the Sistine Chapel

It is not known what the painter was trying to represent. But it is generally agreed that she was demented. It is widely believed that this was the inspiration for Michelangelo’s painting on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

Examples of Infinitians possibly inspiring later Renaissance artists provide evidence that the Infinitians came to the Renaissance first. Nonetheless, it is only evidence, not proof. Fortunately, Infinitian scholars are able to augment this evidence with other, more concrete proof that Infinitians initiated the Renaissance.

The proof is in the form of notes written on the back of self-sealing number 10 envelopes. These notes date from roughly five hundred years ago and were written by some of the Old Masters.

In the notes, the Old Masters viciously ridiculed the earlier Infinitian Renaissance artists, a great many of whom had died of consumption and/or venereal diseases before the Old Masters were born. Thus, these notes written by Renaissance Old Masters make it clear that the writers were not the first Renaissance artists. Instead, as the notes conclusively prove, the Infinitian artists, incompetent though they may have been, were the original Renaissance men and women.

Regrettably, due to the age-related fragility of the notes, the Infinitian scholars protecting them cannot risk taking the missives out of their fireproof, climate-controlled vaults. Consequently, we must take it on faith that these noble guardians of Infinitian history have accurately interpreted the notes’ ages, contents, authorships and existence. We have no reason to doubt them.

As to the Infinitian Renaissance artworks, unfortunately none survive today. All of the paintings were sold in bulk to restaurants. The restaurants used the paintings to wrap takeout food. As a rule, customers threw out the paintings after finishing their meals, although some of the wrappings were first used to line kitty litter boxes. The sculptures were all smashed into small pieces. Much more skilled craftsmen then carved the pieces into cutlery handles.

Despite the works being destroyed, the commentary on them by the critics of the day is still with us. Their critiques were carved in stone above doors wherever the Infinitian Renaissance artworks were displayed for sale to restaurants. There you will find the time-worn words, “Herein lies the work of a cretin.” Or sentiments to that effect.

Pray, do tell ...