Beliefs
site map

Wealth

Eye needles and camels of wealth

Because there are no camel-sized needle eyes, giving your wealth to the Church of Infinitiaty is the righteous thing to do.

The Infinitian Scriptures definitively document that one of the early Sages of Infinitiaty uttered to the then assembled masses* a proverb that has since become a core creed of the Infinitian faith. The Scriptures are unclear as to which of the early Sages said it because the penmanship of the scriptural scribes was atrocious back then, so no one has been able to discern the Sage’s name. The more modern scribes haven’t improved their penmanship one iota, so the name has become even more unreadable over time.

Nonetheless, it definitely was a Sage who first spoke the proverb. Either that or it was the Sage’s cleaning lady and the Sage plagiarized it from her. The Scriptures are a little ambiguous on that point.

Camels, Needles and Wealth. Oh, my!

Whoever said it, the pertinent proverb is:

“It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man or women, whichever the case may be, to enter all but a few of the Kingdoms of Heavens of the various Gods unless it is a really, really enormous needle or a really, really infinitesimal camel.”

Assuming that the appropriate dues are paid, Infinitiaty is, for the most part, a religion of love. And it is because of this love that we want all of our parishioners to be able to enter God One’s heaven upon their death or when they face a tax audit, whichever comes first. And, if not God One’s heaven, then at least the heaven of a God who offers free hors d’oeuvres during happy hour in His or Her heaven. However, as is clear from the above indisputable — indisputable because it is inscriped in the Holy Scriptures — proverb, it would be difficult to get into most heavens if you have any wealth. Consequently, all Infinitians are encouraged to turn over all of their money to the church.

It is important to turn over all of your money rather than just most of it because, while people who are financially comfortable can get into heaven, they get homes in a bad neighborhood of heaven, they get noisy tables near the kitchen of heaven’s restaurants, and they can’t get their parking validated.

You should also turn over all of the money belonging to all of your loved ones — against their will if necessary — as an expression of your deep and unbiding love for them. After all, you wouldn’t want to see them shut out of the heavens, would you?

Spending all of your cash to buy lots and lots of stuff from the Infinitiaty store would also be good. It might even get you into one of the Gods’ heavens. But we’re not promising anything.

It is true that, with all of the money that parishoners turn over to the church, church officials and pastors become rich and, therefore, they can’t get into heaven. They make that supreme sacrifice because that’s just the sort of selfless, caring people they are. Blessed be they.


* Note: According to Infinitian custom, “assembled masses” are five to 25 people. Two to four people are referred to as a “bunch of jerks.” A group of 26 to 100 people are known as a “crowd.” If the group consists of between 101 and 1,000 people, it’s a “horde.” An assembly of more than 1,000 is referred to as “a freaking shit-load of people!”

Pray, do tell ...