Infinitiaty is now one of the most, if not the most gender-egalitarian religions in the world.
To be more accurate, we are the only true religion. Faux faiths such as Christianity, Judaism, Islamism, Hinduism, Sikhism, Buddhism, and many of the other isms ridiculously call themselves religions, but there is abundant solid evidence of the impossibility of many of their claims. Nevertheless, even if you count them as religions, we still practice far more equality of the sexes than any of them.
Women today are the equal of men in the Infinitian faith. They can occupy the same executive, ecclesiastical and administrative positions within the Church, without any discrimination or difference in pay. They receive the same spiritual rewards as men. Spouses are considered equal; neither is subservient to the other, although men are still expected to take out the garbage. We have an infinite and equal number of male and female Gods. What’s more, the pedophiles among our clergy diddle boys and girls equally.
But it wasn’t always so. There was a long, dark period in our history, which extended almost from our religion’s beginnings until about 150 years ago, when Infinitiaty subjugated and oppressed women abominably.
Women: Naked Inequality
In the beginning, when God One created Adam, Eve, Bob, Carol, Ted and Alice they all lived happily naked. Then Eve ate the special apple that God One was saving for a pie and which, unbeknownst to Eve and God One, was the fruit of knowledge. Upon eating the apple, Eve noticed for the first time that everyone was naked and she decided that she and the others should get dressed. People remained clothed in public from that point until …
In about 3500 BC, when Infinitiaty had already been firmly established as the one true religion, the Chief Ideology Officer of the Church of Infinitiaty, Ezekiel Greenblatt, declared that he had read in one of the scriptures that God One intended women to be for the enjoyment of men.
He kept that particular scripture locked up in his personal library for safekeeping. Unfortunately, this meant that nobody could verify that it said what Greenblatt said it said.
To honor God One’s alleged command that women existed for the pleasure of men, Greenblatt declared that all women must walk around almost totally naked. The only exception was that they could, if they so chose, cover their eyes with a band of gauze.
The gauze mesh could be dense enough to hide the woman’s eyes, without necessarily obscuring her vision. This exemption to the no-clothing rule was allowed because a woman’s eyes were the only part of a woman’s body that men weren’t interested in looking at when talking with women.
Eventually, some countries where Infinitians lived banned public nudity. To keep women from being locked in jail, away from the men who wanted to look at and have the fruits of their bodies, Infinitian clergy were instructed to look the other way when women broke with religious law by wearing clothes in such restrictive countries. They never looked the other way when women adhered to this holy law.
For reasons still unknown today, marriage became a tradition in Infinitiaty sometime within 1,000 years of people first learning the truth of Infinitiaty, but until 1245 BC it had been only an informal custom. In that year, the Chief Sage Officer of the time, Amy Gidhala, formalized the rules of Infinitian marriage.
Some say Amy Gidhala created his marriage laws out of fear that in some future “enlightened” times, foolish future generations might otherwise consider women to be equals in marriages. Others said that his patently patriarchal dictates were a response to the gender identity insecurities that he harbored as a result of his parents giving him a female name.
Amy Gidhala’s marriage rules included the following:
- A man can marry any as-of-yet unmarried woman by simply saying in her direction, “You are my woman to have and order about now and forever. No other man shall have you without my express permission.”
- An unmarried woman can marry any man, whether that man is already married or not, by convincing him to say in her direction, “You are my woman to have and order about now and forever. No other man shall have you without my express permission.” Trickery won’t work. For example, if she asks a man, “I keep forgetting, what are those sentences that a man has to stay to me to take me as his wife,” and he is foolish enough to answer, it doesn’t count.
- A wife cannot withhold sex—vaginal, oral or other—from her husband.
- Because a wife must always submit to her husband whenever he so desires, it is impossible for a husband to rape his wife. By definition, it is always consensual sex.
- A husband can refuse to have sex with his wife, or refuse to do it in a particular way, for any reason whatsoever.
- Wives are not allowed to commit adultery. If they break this law they shall be stoned. [Editor’s note: The wording of this punishment remained unchanged, but its application was altered a few hundred years later. It turned out that women quite enjoyed getting high, so “stoned” was later reinterpreted to mean having stones thrown at her until death.]
- Husbands are free to commit adultery as long as they don’t get caught while they run for or hold public office.
- A man can divorce his wife by saying in her direction, “Get the hell out of here, bitch!”
- A woman can divorce her husband by getting him to say in her direction, “Get the hell out of here, bitch!” Again, trickery doesn’t count.
These rules remained in force, unchanged, for millennia. Yet, while the rules were unaltered, they were augmented. For example, despite evidence that beer had been brewed as many as 7,000 years ago, it was not until 17 BC that the then Chief Ideology Officer of Infinitiaty, John Doe (yes, really, John Doe), declared that, henceforth, whenever a man asked for a beer his wife was required to bring it to him
In 1442 another rule was added. The Chief Sage Officer at the time, Maximus Crettine, declared, without any documentary evidence, that it was the commandment of God One and at least 9,735 of the other Gods that, in a marriage, the wife should spend her day doing all of housework and childrearing. The one exception was that taking out the garbage was to be the husband’s chore unless he was out of town or too tired.
Crettine’s religious law was amended slightly in 1789. It was recognized that family situations sometimes required that, not just husbands, but also wives take jobs out of the home to make ends meet. In these cases, the Church ruled that wives could do all of the housework and childrearing in the evenings and on weekends rather than during the day.
Property of Women
Things took a turn for the not just horribly unjust, but also insanely weird for women in 1393. In that year, the Chief Ideology Officer of Infinitiaty, Elwood Dewitt, declared that he had personally talked with God One. According to Dewitt, God One told him that, henceforth, women were to be considered to be men’s chattel.
No one else was present to witness this conversation between God One and Dewitt and there was no written record of it. When challenged as to the veracity of his account, Dewitt responded, “Trust me. I earned the high esteem needed to be appointed Chief Ideology Officer. You don’t think I bought my position, do you?”
As it turns out, it was later discovered that Dewitt had, in fact, bought his position.
Unfortunately, Dewitt’s spelling was atrocious. Men started milking women daily and selling them as meat. It wasn’t until 1438 that the spelling mistake was noticed by the Church and cattle, as written by Dewitt, was corrected to chattel.
On the topic of chattel, not only were women to be considered property, but Dewitt also declared that God One told him that women could not own property. That rule was immediately codified into the Church canon.
Any property that women owned at the time the holy law came into effect had to be transferred, without compensation, to their husbands. If they were unmarried, the property was given to their fathers instead. If their father was not alive, it went to their brothers. If they had no brothers, male cousins became the beneficiaries.
If there were still no males to receive the women’s property, the women and their assets became the property of the Chief Ideology Officer of Infinitiaty. If she married within two years, her husband could claim her property if the Chief Ideology Officer hadn’t yet sold it.
Effective at the same time, women weren’t able to inherit property either. When a woman’s husband died, his property was held in escrow for two years unless he had willed it to one or more men. During that time, she was expected to find a new husband who would assume ownership of the property. If she failed to do so, the property would be turned over to a male in the same chain as defined the distribution of property held by women at the time these holy laws came into effect.
The presence of a will did not change these inheritance rules. If a man died with a last will and testament that gave any of his property to his surviving wife, wives, mother, daughters or any other females, the will was declared to be invalid and he was deemed to have died intestate.
Because women were chattel and not allowed to own property, they were also not allowed to write wills.
This debasement and abuse of women ended abruptly in 1858.
Jayne Hoemley, wife of the Chief Executive Officer of Infinitiaty at the time, Mark Miewerds, was rather dowdy looking, but smart as a whip. Because whips are no smarter than rocks, tree stumps, or any other inanimate object, she played no part in advancing women’s rights within Infinitiaty.
Fortunately for Infinitian women, the senior officers of Infinitiaty in those days practiced adultery as a matter of faith. Miewerds was screwing around with Gloria Mammalia, a beautiful, buxom blond who indisputably disproved the widely held belief that great beauty and large breasts were incompatible with great brains.
Although she was interested in religion as an element of an academic study of anthropology, Gloria was an unabashed agnostic of no fixed religion. Consequently, for the first year of their affair, faith never came up in their infrequent conversations before, during and after their frequent sex.
Then, one day, as they ran out of interesting things to talk about, Mammalia popped the question, “You don’t believe in any religion, do you?”
Miewerds, fool that he was, told her everything. He told her all about Infinitiaty, its laws about women, and his role in the Church. Upon hearing this, Mammalia didn’t waste a single breath before insisting that he would never sleep with her again unless that changed—all of it.
The next day, Miewerds signed an official religious decree revoking all restrictions against women, apologized for the past oppression of women that, he admitted, had been based on false claims of the word of God One, and opened all Church executive, administrative, and ecclesiastic positions equally to women.
Mark Miewerds also resigned his position as Chief Executive Officer and nominated Gloria Mammalia as his replacement, despite the fact that she wasn’t yet an Infinitian. In return for freely offered sexual favors, the other senior officers of the Church of Infinitiaty accepted Miewerds’ recommendation for a new Chief Executive Officer.
Women have been the equal of men in the eyes of Infinitiaty ever since that day.